Years ago, while teaching a sex ed class with teens, I was leading an exercise encouraging them to think about how people express sexuality across their lifetimes. One student seemed surprised there was anything on the list for middle or old age. He later admitted he thought people got married, had sex a few times and that was it.
Healthy sexuality throughout our lifetimes requires more than continuing to have intercourse into old age. A recent survey done by AARP of over 1,800 people showed that 71 percent of the baby boomer generation said sex was still important to them, but only 54 percent said they were satisfied with their sex lives. (“Generation SEX,” AARP The Magazine, August/September 2014).
So what makes sex satisfying?
Sexual appetites and desires vary, but healthy sexuality starts with healthy self-image. How we feel about ourselves affects our sexual decisions, so take stock. Are you healthy? Do you have a positive image of yourself? This doesn’t mean you try to look 25 when you’re 60. But do you feel good about who you are? If not, find ways to work on accepting yourself and liking who you are. Self-confidence is healthy, helps you know what you want and don’t want, and it’s appealing.
What about intimacy? Do you feel close to your partner? Trust him or her? Can you be vulnerable with each other? Is there reciprocity of affection and pleasure?
Are you able to enjoy touching each other outside of the bedroom? Do you share physical affection with each other, like hugging, kissing, cuddling or dancing?
As we age, sexual desire often recedes, but doesn’t wane entirely. Quality sex can become more appealing than quantity. Intimacy, caressing and mutual pleasure might be more a goal than a part of foreplay. Sometimes, due to physical challenges of aging or medication for certain conditions, the actual act of intercourse can become difficult. In that case, get creative about other ways to give each other pleasure.
Most importantly, whatever age you are, keep communication open and honest. Let your partner know what you like and what you don’t — what you will do and what you won’t.
Healthy sexuality is more than having sex. Keep that in mind, and your later years might be the best yet.
Amy Johnson, MSW, is a trainer, educator and coach in the Pacific Northwest. She is co-author of the books, “Parenting by Strengths: A Parent’s Guide for Challenging Situations” and “Homegrown Faith and Justice.” Amy facilitates classes and workshops in the Puget Sound area and online. She specializes in working with parents and in sexuality education. Amy can be reached at comments@diligentjoy.com.
