Q: Mr. Federal Way, have any final thoughts on the Olympics? Best in show, worst?
A: Mr. Federal Way picked this question specifically because it wasn’t about the fish factory. Mr. Federal Way addressed that last week, and he’s pretty sure that there will be more ink spilled this week on that topic that he can shake a bucket of chum at. So he’s going to let the rest of you surface to face the hurricane while he stays unda da sea.
Anyway, Mr. Federal Way enjoyed the Olympics as he always does. The United States cleaned up, winning its first gold medal in shooting – because of course – and then competing hard and winning 44 more. So that was nice. We won an additional gold medal in basketball, but Mr. Federal Way can’t really say with a straight face that the U.S. team had to “compete hard” in that one. Sorry Serbia.
The best in show to Mr. Federal Way was the women’s gymnastics team, because Mr. Federal Way is a sucker for feel-good stories and those athletes were pretty great. The worst was Ryan Lochte, who did fine in the Olympics but won’t be remembered for that. No, Lochte will be remembered for the robbery he suffered, then didn’t, and the bathroom he trashed, then didn’t, and for the endorsements he had, then didn’t. See you on “Dancing With the Stars,” Ryan, where greater careers than yours have gone to die. Say “hi” to Jodie Sweetin for me.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, did you go to Wild Waves at all this summer?
A: You’re a terrible person. Also, none of your business.
Got something for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.