Q: Mr. Federal Way, I believe Northwest Territorial Mint has stolen thousands of my dollars. I ordered silver online and was told it would be weeks before it would be shipped. Now that I know they’re bankrupt and I still don’t have my silver or money, I’m wondering how this Ross Hansen guy doesn’t have to be enrolled in the witness protection program, because I’m p*****!

A: Mr. Federal Way now knows why that awful 1990s song from Chumbawamba was written. It goes something like, “I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you’re never gonna keep me down.” “Tubthmping (I Get Knocked Down)” should be Hansen’s theme song… but let’s hope he can actually get back up again from this snafu. He owes millions.

Never mind that he’s still litigating a U.S. sexual harassment lawsuit, Hansen should be able to find a way to slither around this trouble as he’s done so many times before. One just has to look into that time he dodged a very obvious connection to a marijuana drug lord. Sure, he spent three years in jail for a different crime, but when he came out he was ready to make money, and he did. That success is plastered all over the website – that Northwest Territorial Mint is (or was) the “global leader in custom minting, manufacturer of die-struck challenge coins, medallions, and knives for the U.S. military.”

It’s assertions like this that make Mr. Federal Way wonder how he could have possibly gotten himself in such a mess as this. I mean, you’d think a million-dollar businessman would know that creating a website about his former landlord and comparing him to Bernie Maddoff was stupid. You’d think he’d guess that calling enough women enough awful names enough times would eventually get him in trouble with someone other than his hired human resources department. You’d think this guy would follow attorney advice and maybe not threaten customers or call them stupid.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, it looks like Federal Way is in the final two of the “Parking Madness 2016 Championship.” Where do you think we should hang our banner?

A: Mr. Federal Way would gladly present the Parking Madness 2016 Championship banner to Mr. Mayor Jim Ferrell. He can hang it up in City Hall like he did with the Seahawks 12th Man flag. Or maybe the banner would look better on the new Performing Arts and Events Center or at Town Square Park. Mr. Federal Way can’t decide.

Our fair city need only beat Louisville, Kentucky (hint: Federal Way is losing by 59 votes as of this Wednesday).

Mr. Federal Way gets a kick out of this streetsblog.org. Even though the blogger messed up Interstate 5 with “Interstate 99,” Mr. Federal Way has to give her bonus points for calling up a “Tom” Johnson from the mayor’s office who supposedly assured her that some transit-oriented development projects were coming to the area. He told the poor blogger about the former Target site the city purchased for $8.2 million. No matter that the city has sat on that land for more than a year without any serious interest (they were supposed to get bids for the project in February 2015. They received none).

Nonetheless, Mr. Federal Way has money on us winning their coveted “Golden Crater” award. Hey, at least it’s a win, even if it’s for the worst of something. Mr. Federal Way will take what he can get.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, how did you celebrate the hottest day of the year?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.