Q: Mr. Federal Way, why can’t newspaper articles be complete in one place? Why do they have to be broken up so a reader has to flip back and forth through the paper? I wind up missing things that way. I do like the size of your paper, other regular papers are too big – try reading one on the bus with a passenger squashed up next to you!

A: Full disclosure, Publisher Rudi Alcott received this hand-written letter but doesn’t have the time to explain Newspapers 101 to little old ladies. Unfortunately, Mr. Federal Way does.

Ma’am, the broken up stories you so eloquently refer to are called story jumps or jump lines. Sometimes ads take up space on a page, which prevent the story from running on one page. Mr. Federal Way could do away with the ads but apparently they pay for basic newsroom perks, like salaries or whatever.

Other reasons for jumps? Style. Would you read a newspaper that had one story with one photo on the cover? Come on, lady. Where’s your artistic eye? Jumps also cause the reader to flip through the newspaper, which you seem to find annoying, but people who create the paper tell Mr. Federal Way it helps draw readers deep into a product they each spend 40 hours a week making week after week. So, while readers are taking the bus, squished next to a undesirable person, they can learn a little bit about their community and be a little bit more connected.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, I loved your article today. Usually I don’t like it because it’s so “sanitized.” I like the “unsanitized” much better. It is to the point and clear. Please continue writing this way. We don’t need anymore “sugar coating” of the facts.

A: As Mr. Federal Way mentioned before, editor Carrie Rodriguez has gone over to the darkside, a place far, far away in the land of serial Nordstrom shoppers, only accessible through a hell not even Mr. Federal Way would wish on Mayor Jim Ferrell – Interstate 405. It’s a place called Bellevue. And with Rodriguez gone, Mr. Federal Way doesn’t have to worry about silly things that journalists go to college for. What’s media law? Either way, Mr. Federal Way has a list of requirements for the new Federal Way Mirror editor, whenever Alcott decides to stop worrying about the budget and hire somebody already.

• The new editor must always, always bring pizza for the newsroom on Thursdays. No questions asked.

• He or she must limit columnist Bob Roegner’s 100,000-word columns to an appropriate length. Mr. Federal Way needs coffee before he’ll even pick up those doozies.

• The new editor should coerce Mrs. Federal Way into writing more columns. It would give Mr. Federal Way a chance to catch up on approving friend requests on Facebook.

• Aside from being a top-notch investigative and passionate individual, the new editor should commit to smaller stories that make this newspaper a community newspaper.

• The new editor needs to be attractive, but not so attractive that it makes the rest of the newsroom look ugly.

• The new editor must recognize how hilarious Chief Joy Facilitator Jennifer Anderson is. (But not funnier than Mr. Federal Way.)

• As part of their hazing, one requirement of the new editor will be to sell coupons to the rash amount of couponers the Mirror has for two Fridays in a row all. day. long. Also, he or she must deal with the maryjanes who come to the newsroom looking for marijuana.

• He or she should know the difference between a touchdown and a home run or have blind faith in sports reporter Terrence Hill’s ability to.

• If female, the new editor must be open to the idea of joining sales representative Kay Miller’s Fairly Fit Female cult, err, Mr. Federal Way means “extremely successful healthy lifestyle group that has helped many.”

• The new editor must know CPR and have a first-aid card in case of an emergency. Mr. Federal Way isn’t sure how quickly the fire department would get here based on past reporting.

• The new editor should attend the hundreds of community events sales representative Cindy Ducich volunteers at.

• To align with the Mirror’s and reporter Raechel Dawson’s new diversity section, the new editor should break the status quo and be an active member of all facets of this diverse community.

• He or she should respond to every letter, email and complaint that comes regarding moist Mirrors. It’s an epidemic. Bonus points if he or she comes with a solution to Washington’s precipitation problem.

• The new editor should have a great sense of humor, so much that he or she isn’t afraid to tease Alcott when he falls off a ladder and gets a boo boo on his head.

• The new editor needs to be smart enough to recognize the value of our most senior member in experience, not in age, Marcie Shannon.

• And, last but not least, the new editor needs to have a spouse, sugga daddy or sugga momma to support them financially. Unless, of course, the editor will make more money than Mr. Federal Way.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, are you mad that Alcott didn’t promote you to the new editor position?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.