Q: Mr. Federal Way, I watched the council meeting on Tuesday and was frightened to learn there are “needles strewn throughout Federal Way.” If Federal Way is so great, why should I allow my children to grow up in a place where needles could poke them at any given point?

A: “Poke them at any given point?” Mr. Federal Way can’t help but to point out that sharp pun. Poke, point, needle… Bazinga.

Puns aside, Mr. Federal Way was also unaware of this epidemic. Are the needles from ye ol’ Federal Way Needlers group who’ve lost their needles? Are the needles for sewing machines or for doctors who stick those crazy things in people’s bodies. What is it called? Ahh – acupuncture! Or are the needles to play phonograph records, an etching tool, compass or instrument? The mayor could be referring to hypodermic syringes, in which case Mr. Federal Way has to wonder if the anti-vaccine campaign from concerned parents is finally taking off and doctors are just throwing ’em out on the streets. Or maybe, just maybe, the mayor was referring to syringes discarded by drug addicts. Mr. Federal Way will never really know because, clearly, there are so many uses for needles that it doesn’t surprise Mr. Federal Way they’re “strewn throughout Federal Way.” Needles are common.

What’s not common is exaggerated speech from politicians or public officials, making overarching, grandiose statements that do nothing but scare parents like yourself. Oh, wait…

Q: Mr. Federal Way, I attended the Best of Federal Way event the Mirror put on at the Federal Way Community Center but had to leave early because it was so cold! I don’t think I was the only one because it seemed like there were more people last year. Wasn’t this the same place that was too hot last summer when some other community event was held there?

A: Hot, cold, hot, cold – the building is as fickle as Mrs. Federal Way ever since she started “the change.” Last summer, about 500 bodies packed into the gym for Multi-Service Center’s annual crab feed event, and people were sweating. Last week, people were bundled in coats and scarves at the annual Best of Federal Way. Summer days call for air conditioning, winter days call for heat. Mr. Federal Way isn’t sure why the Federal Way Community Center can’t get it right, especially since they won a couple of awards that night. And while Publisher Rudi Alcott tried to distract the crowd with humor, most left even more confused after his joke about a parrot and a magician flopped all the way past the vendors and out into the parking lot. It wasn’t pretty, folks. Mr. Federal Way decided to leave after that catastrophe and before Mrs. Federal Way started complaining of wanting a hot flash.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, who did you pick to win it all for March Madness?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com