Q: Mr. Federal Way, I don’t understand the Federal Way City Council’s logic. The mayor seems to be handing out so many Key to the City awards that pretty soon every Tom, Dick and Harry will be able to unlock the front doors at City Hall. But when it comes to naming a street after someone, it’s hard to get the city to do so. Why the disparity?

A: Mr. Federal Way is still awaiting a phone call from Mayor Jim Ferrell to invite Mr. Federal Way to City Hall to claim his Key to the City for being an outstanding contributor to civic dialogue.

Mr. Federal Way may just show up with Mrs. Federal Way and the rest of the Federal Way family to shake the mayor’s hand and have our obligatory photo taken with the council at large. Mr. Mayor, what say you?

Mr. Federal Way has noticed the city handing out more Key to the City awards than street names. That being said, it’s probably easier to have a cheesy ceremonial key made than to re-do a street sign and all associated maps.

If Mr. Federal Way had the choice, he would rather throw his Key to the City on a bookshelf or in his glove compartment than see his name every time he drives to The Commons mall.

Mr. Federal Way would hate to be the one to give out directions to his friends, “Turn right on First Avenue South, left onto South 320th Street and then make a left onto Mr. Federal Way.” Huh? Mr. Federal Way doesn’t want to think about how someone may construe those directions.

Mr. Federal Way also doesn’t care to be looked at as a bad guy. Can you imagine how King County Councilman Pete von Reichbauer must feel every time he reads through the Mirror’s police blotter and sees that a wanted felon was caught riding a motorized shopping cart along Pete von Reichbauer Way South?

And forget about how the poor police officers feel every time they have to write out the lengthy “Pete von Reichbauer Way South.” No, thank you. Mr. Federal Way doesn’t need street recognition.

But if this column prompts the mayor to hand Mr. Federal Way a Key to the City instead, he knows where to reach Mr. Federal Way.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, how old are you and what do you look like?

A: As my mom always told me, old enough to know better, but alas, most of you likely think that is not the case. Mr. Federal Way is in the midst of looking back at his younger years but still not old enough to have a bifurcated pee stream or in need of any blue pills.

Frankly, that publisher guy didn’t hire Mr. Federal Way for his writing chops so it must be for his great looks. What else is there?

Mr. Federal Way is getting a little tired of being a sex object all of his life and of all of society’s rules that elevated him to this position, but Mr. Federal Way supposes we all have our crosses to bear and you could probably care less about Mr. Federal Way’s. Almost as much as he cares about this question.

Q: You’re fairly opinionated — to be fair. Why does Mrs. Federal Way put up with you?

A: Well since you’re being fair, Mr. Federal Way will be fair. This was a fairly good question. Not great, but not all that bad. See answer above.

Mr. Federal Way can really please — well — it’s likely because we met at such a young age. She snagged Mr. Federal Way before he had a chance to show his true colors. This is really her fault. Had she waited she might have had a different take on the situation. Now she stays with Mr. Federal Way because of his money as we in the newspaper industry are so well compensated and all.

Moreover, have you looked at your high school classmates on Facebook lately? If they are like her’s, they are all overweight, have multiple chins and are ugly. She looks up at Mr. Federal Way and feels like she won the lottery. She is correct in that logic.

Besides, Mr. Federal Way doesn’t ask these questions of her. In attorney school 101, the first thing they teach you is don’t ask a question you don’t know the answer to.

Mr. Federal Way doesn’t know her answer so he doesn’t ask the question. Seems pretty basic to Mr. Federal Way.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, are you satisfied with the Sound Transit board’s recent decision on its preferred route option for the Federal Way Link Extension?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com