Q: Mr. Federal Way, WalletHub did a posting on Halloween spending and said spooky enthusiasts spent $8.4 billion in 2016, $548 million just on candy, which is $1.5 billion more than last year. What are your thoughts? Did you go all out for Halloween?

A: Well, thank you for the numbers.

Mr. Federal Way learned a very valuable lesson and is going to steal your idea. He’s quitting his day job and going to dental school, ‘cause that little nougat nugget will have Mr. Federal Way swimming in a pool of cash. Or a pool of fine domestic beer. Mr. Federal Way will decide and let you know.

Either way, that’s a lot of Eisenhowers for a one-day commercial “holiday.” Mr. Federal Way’s got a rhetorical – RHETORICAL – question, though. With those being the official numbers for the day, can all of us living in America just admit that we can put the R-word – “recession” – to bed, please? If y’all have enough moolah to spend so much on chocolate, Mr. Federal Way shouldn’t hear you talking about rising gas prices and the price of your venti-iced-sugar-free-triple-vanilla-soy-and-unicorn-tears-latte whatchamahcallit drink going up.

Back to your point, it’s also not a surprise we can finally afford the expensive, dijon jawbreakers now. Companies have come a long way since the paper pumpkin stencil you hung on the front door with some duct tape. Folks are creating their own haunted houses with bizarre, awesome-or-hilariously-bad decorations, which is something Mr. Federal Way doesn’t have time for. Too much work for one night.

Mr. Federal Way will tell you exactly what he did for Halloween: He got dressed in his most comfortable Fall pajamas, turned out all the lights, took out all his light bulbs to make absolutely sure, then put out his single decoration: A hand-made yard sign reading “GO AWAY.” Then Mr. Federal Way went to bed and slept Candy Night Capitalism Day away.

If you think that was rude, just remember: Some folks were giving trick-or-treaters candy corn that night. Go yell at those monsters before you give Mr. Federal Way any guff.

Q: So where were you in the Oct. 28 issue? And why didn’t you cover the Todd Beamer story?

A: Mr. Federal Way has a job that comes with stresses the typical reader can’t even begin to comprehend. It’s vastly more stressful than most other gigs in our fair city, something that will almost certainly hold true until the fish-gutting factory starts hiring.

In other words, Mr. Federal Way took a vacation. He spent some time in sunny Anchorage, choosing to go to the second-coldest, most dangerous-bear-filled city in America since Chicago flights cost some serious curse-breakin’ cash. Mr. Federal Way isn’t sure on the exact conversion rate, but it was a bunch of Eisenhowers.

When it comes to Beamer, Mr. Federal Way tries not to pry too much into what the Mirror editorial staff gets up to between printings. He follows along via the website – the Mirror has a pretty slick-looking site now – and also noticed the lack of Beamer content.

I’d like to think they’re working on it by talking to people and looking at documents and whatnot. The stories Mr. Federal Way saw from KIRO and its ProTroll Dori Monson were apparently slapped together as quickly as possible to make as many readers as possible ticked off.

And seriously, if you want to feel bad about yourself and your fellow humans for a week or two, spend some time in the comments sections of those stories. Mr. Federal Way will dunk his face in a trough of candy corn before doing that again.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, be honest, which of the District 30 candidates is your favorite?

A: None of your business.

Got something for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.