Q: Mr. Federal Way, one of our neighbors is a fireworks enthusiast. And although many of us have spoken to him, explaining that fireworks are illegal in Federal Way and that his use of fireworks puts all of us at risk due to closeness to our many trees, he ignores us and continues to let off bottle rockets, small fireworks at the tree level, and very large fountains where sparks often touch the tree branches.
In the past, as he has begun to light his fireworks, we have called the fire department. Unfortunately, each time they arrive he is not lighting the fireworks and they say there’s nothing that they can do.
How can we stop him without going to war with our neighbor?
A: Mr. Federal Way isn’t sure if you’ve noticed, but “keeping the peace” isn’t this columnist’s cup of tea.
Mr. Federal Way can tell you what you should do – which is use your smartphone, take a video of your neighbor doing the deed while your spouse calls 911, and see where the chips fall. If that doesn’t work, Mr. Federal Way would create a petition and get neighbors to sign in support of either (A) a request that Joe Fireworks Enthusiast stops lighting fireworks, or (B) to get the hell out of the neighborhood. Once a sufficient amount of signatures have been gathered, leave the Local Peeved-Person Directory on his doorstep. There’s nothing quite like knowing an entire neighborhood hates you and will band together if you step out of line.
If the bottle rockets continue, Mr. Federal Way suggests fighting fire with, well, more fire. What are some annoying things you can do that will surely get him to stop? Do you have a crying baby you can strategically keep in his earshot? If he’s a late sleeper, can you “offer” to mow his front lawn at 6 a.m. on a Saturday? Can you let your friends know he doesn’t mind it when they park in front of his house (even if you’re not sure)? Do you have some obnoxious music you can play loudly, like a Slayer or 2 Live Crew album, or some obnoxious music you can play reeeeeeally quietly, like a Kenny G or Lawrence Welk album?
Mr. Federal Way doesn’t usually promote passive-aggressive tactics – and he’ll never again promote Lawrence Welk – but sometimes it’s the best move when you’re forced to live next to a self-important sack of arrested development who thinks his bang-bangs and purrty lights are way more important than everyone else’s happiness.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, what do you think of the name of High Point for the new Section 8 housing on South 320th Street in downtown Federal Way? Myself and friends of mine that were born and raised in Seattle and now live in Federal Way knew the name “High Point” from the housing projects built after World War II in White Center that became known for gangs and crime in the later years. When we saw the name High Point outside the unfinished apartments, we clearly saw the direction Federal Way is moving in.
A: Actually, the developer renamed Federal Way’s High Point project to “Uptown Square.” And double-actually, the West Seattle High Point project you’re referring to (not White Center) had a $550 million-dollar makeover, which has won numerous design, planning and landscaping awards since.
So yeah. If you want Mr. Federal Way to opine on the fact that both projects, at some point in time, had the name “High Point,” and that both projects provide homes to people who can’t afford the average $1,560 per month for a three-bedroom apartment in King County, and that maybe both projects are in areas where crime is above that of Pleasantville, Mr. Federal Way won’t do it. While names can define futures and have great impacts on people and, yes, businesses, Mr. Federal Way believes you are fishing for validation that apartment-dwellers who make less money than you will somehow be the cause of gangs and crimes for years to come. Mr. Federal Way refuses to perpetuate that stereotype.
Do you know what low-income apartments do? They take homeless people, living in squalor in Federal Way, off the street. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, Federal Way.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, who will you be watching at the Red, White and Blues Festival this year?
A: None of your business
Got something for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.
