Q: Why are local businesses/educational facilities/nonprofits so determined to get free editorial content and so reluctant to place paid advertising, which in fact makes the local community paper possible? Do people realize that the Mirror is a business that depends on revenue? And… do Federal Wayans who want to “Shop Local” realize that, along with spending their dollars with the loyal advertisers who run in the paper, purchasing ads in the Mirror is also a way to “Shop Local?”

A: Wow, you sure got your money’s worth with this question. There’s like six questions embedded in here. This must have come from a woman; no man could string together this many consecutive words without coming up for air or using a period. This includes yours truly, and Mr. Federal Way has been exceptionally blessed with the gift of gab.

Mr. Federal Way appreciates the community looking out for the paper in the financial department. I know about as much about this part of this business as I do about how hummingbirds mate. Think about that for a minute. That must be a “delicate” dance with the devil. Talk about giving new meaning to a “quickie.” Mr. Federal Way does know about human behavior though, and getting something for nothing is an intricate part of free enterprise. Even the basis of our economy has the word “free” in it. Since Mr. Federal Way received this question, I have been listening intently to the marketing gals and how they operate. I’m convinced after a few days of this, that, one, they never quit talking. Ever. And two, that not many free ads get past them. My guess is that the businesses in Federal Way also realize this and so they pull the old “ask your mother” trick and try to approach the weaker parent, in this case the editorial team, for a different answer. It obviously doesn’t work, hence the reason this lands on my desk.

Mr. Federal Way always tries to shop locally. Except for marijuana. Can’t find that locally even though it’s legal. The Federal Way Clean-Living Cabal has apparently decided that I am not qualified enough to make that decision for myself. Which may be true, but I still don’t like being told what to do.

Q: What are the two letters to the editor in last week’s paper, from city talking head Steve McNey, complaining about your writings? Why is he responding with a letter to the editor instead of to you personally?

A: I think the bigger question is why he’s spending taxpayer money calling on an opinion writer to follow Society of Professional Journalism rules. Then he ends his tirade with a statement that, as a columnist, I am not required to follow these rules but should anyhow. Not even in the world of city government, where almost nothing makes sense, does this statement make sense. This is like saying that a golf announcer can’t call a golf game because he has never won a professional tournament.

Frankly, I got a little lost in what was occurring there. His first letter said that I had to become a better writer and follow journalism rules for a question that came in that I spent time saying I couldn’t even answer as it would take too much time. I punted on the question, really, since I’m too lazy to look into all of the questions that the writer wanted to know. So I got taken to task for a question I didn’t even answer.

Then, his second letter proceeds to answer all of the questions that the writer had that I didn’t answer.

So, to sum this all up: The Mirror received two letters from the Mayor’s office to admonish Mr. Federal Way for answering a question that wasn’t answered that they in turn answered themselves… for a question they didn’t want answered.

Back when Mr. Federal Way was a youngster he used to say some inappropriate things – no, really. For example, there were a bunch of skinny girls in class that I would call fat. It never bothered them, since they weren’t. I continued to do this, as it didn’t seem to hurt the twiggy ones’ feelings. Then one day I called a fat girl fat and she tackled me and beat me to a pulp. So, in short, it seems that maybe the writer that sent in the question found the fat girl and she attacked back. Perhaps the truth was a little too close to home for them.

Q: I see the Mirror is without an editor. Has this position been filled yet?

A: Great timing on this question. I am sure the publisher considered hiring Steve McNey for this position but gave up after he found his writing too confusing. Next in line was Jason Ludwig, who just filled the position. He started on Monday and is quickly starting to realize that Mr. Federal Way is the top of the class of this organization’s writers. Ludwig is a resident of Federal Way that hails from Arizona. Let’s see how long he sticks around once he comes to the conclusion that the sun doesn’t shine around here and most of the readers will tell him to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.

Q: Who do you got for the Superbowl? Broncos or Panthers?

A: Tough call, but I’m going with the Broncos. Mr. Federal Way just can’t go with a quarterback that shows up in $850 Versace jungle-themed pants. His counterpart, Peyton Manning, who’s tough not to like (even from a Seahawks fan), shows up in a blue suit with a red tie and pinpoint oxford shirt. Looks to me like one is showing up for business and the other is attending a frat party – Animal House style. Zero point zero class here, just like Bluto Blutarsky’s grade point average.

Q: Did Mrs. Federal Way like the comments on her lady parts from your last article?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com