Q: Mr. Federal Way, recently I’ve seen a lot of drivers around town parked in fire lanes, people not using turn signals and just been terrible drivers overall. Have you noticed that, and what do you think about that?
A: This, my agitated friend, is exactly why Mr. Federal Way stays indoors and interacts with people less and less these days. People are terrible. No, wait. People … are bad people. How about that!? Yes, Mr. Federal Way has seen a number of examples of this inconsiderate behavior all around town. As a matter of fact, just the other morning Mr. Federal Way was in line at the favorite coffee establishment and saw this very problem: A car parked in the red zone. And Mr. Federal Way thought to himself: Now what’s going to happen when the ambulance arrives in response to the call where Mr. Federal Way has a coronary from this blatant sign of disrespect in this wonderful city!? And don’t get Mr. Federal Way started on the signal situation. That’s a regular occurrence around here. And you are right, the wonderful men and women of our esteemed police department have bigger fish to fry. But Mr. Federal has got you covered. See, what you may not know is Mr. Federal Way writes letters, and yes, actual letters, to the department, asking them to give Mr. Federal Way those “boots” that they put on cars as a means of teaching these knuckleheads a lesson. But unfortunately, Mr. Federal Way has not received a response. The fight shall rage on.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, what’s the deal with all the construction on Pacific Highway in the area around Jimmy Mac’s? Any idea what’s going on?
A: Wait, are you like, new here? And when Mr. Federal Way says “new here,” he means like new to the state of Washington. Welcome to the traffic paradise my friend. If you love traffic, sitting in your car and missing your 11 a.m. meeting that you cannot possibly be late for, you move to Washington. Traffic is like its complimentary gift to you and Mr. Federal Way. Don’t turn your nose up at it. Mr. Federal Way is also going to assume you don’t read, either. As a matter of fact, this very newspaper has written extensively on the reason for your Jimmy Mac’s traffic since like … 2008. The city is attempting to put in an HOV lane along the highway … and has been trying for quite some time. See, we do things here in Federal Way at a crawling pace: Building an HOV lane, building a Dutch Bros. (that’s not in the works … but it should be), electing Mr. Federal Way mayor, etc. Slow, people, slow. But just to be clear, the traffic you sit in is HOV construction traffic. Cozy up, get used to it … and welcome to Washington.
Q: Where’s Waldo?
A: I just texted that guy like 20 minutes ago. He told Mr. Federal Way to tell you: “None of your business.”
Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com. Staff written.
