Q: Mr. Federal Way, your recent commentary on airplane noise in the South Sound was damaging and disrespectful to the people who live here and those who have to endure the daily torture of noise and environmental pollutants. Are you aware of the impact of aircraft activity on our health and quality of life?

A: It’s times like these that Mr. Federal Way is glad Mr. Federal Way lives in Federal Way instead of Burien, which is so much closer to SeaTac Airport — like, right on the third runway’s porch.

Mr. Federal Way recently saw a University of Washington-assisted study with a self-explanatory title: “Emissions from an International Airport Increase Particle Number Concentrations 4-fold at 10-km Downwind.”

The 2014 study was conducted in Los Angeles because of that area’s consistent wind direction. The results show that the airport’s emissions are thickening the surrounding air with aircraft exhaust in a manner similar to the city’s “entire urban freeway network.”

This led Mr. Federal Way to believe that the closer you get to SeaTac Airport, the more carbon monoxide and sulfur dioxide particles are in the air. And the more the Puget Sound region’s economy thrives, the more air traffic we’ll see.

Kudos to those Federal Way residents taking a stand and voicing their concerns about the airport’s impact on our health. That is a valid concern.

That said, Mr. Federal Way has tried imagining what the thriving Puget Sound economy would look like without a healthy airport. We gotta put it somewhere.

Like many residents, Mr. Federal Way has grown accustomed to the constant roar and can tune it out most of the time. Mr. Federal Way accepts that overhead aircraft noise is an ugly but necessary part of life.

Even while acknowledging the negative health effects of airplane emissions, Mr. Federal Way just doesn’t worry about it on a regular basis. In Mr. Federal Way’s humble opinion, humans do more self-inflicted damage by smoking, drinking, vaping, drugging, texting while driving, eating fast food and watching cable TV news.

Of course Mr. Federal Way wants to take care of our hometown, but Mr. Federal Way also believes the planet was fine long before people arrived and will be fine long after humanity finally extinguishes itself. According to Wikipedia, modern humans arrived late to the party and sprouted only about 200,000 years ago.

Earth has been around for billions of years, and Mr. Federal Way suspects it might be around for a billion more – with or without us.

In the meantime, thank you to citizens who are watching out for the rest of us and making sure today’s heaven on earth stays as heavenly as possible.

Q. Mr. Federal Way, I heard you recently had a birthday. What did you do to celebrate?

A. None of your business.

This column is produced by Mirror staff. Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.