Q: Mr. Federal Way, I plan on building my wife a back deck off of our house this spring so we can have backyard barbecues and stargaze on summer nights, but how are we supposed to enjoy all of nature’s bounty with all these airplanes roaring overhead?
A: Mr. Federal Way understands your frustration about planes flying in and out of Sea-Tac. Since you didn’t ask, the frequent aircraft traffic has caused Mr. Federal Way plenty of aggravation. First, undoubtedly, the planes flying overhead are the cause of the frequent, but random, attacks of static breaking up radio station reception when Mr. Federal Way’s driving through the city. And Mr. Federal Way CAN’T STAND being interrupted when he’s providing harmony to Neil Diamond or Beyonce. Second, the planes heading in and out of the area 24/7 are a constant reminder that other people’s bosses pay them more than Alcott does, allowing them to visit far-away, exotic locales like Paris or Sequim, while Mr. Federal Way can only watch sadly from the ground as the rain drips on his head and soaks through his loafers. Heck, Mr. Federal Way doesn’t need a flight to Athens to make him happy — he’d be happy with a quick jaunt to Pennsylvania for some groundhog hunting. But, since you asked, rumor has it that city officials have created a committee to consider solutions to the airplane traffic. While very few committees actually accomplish anything, Mr. Federal Way thinks this particular one is an exercise in futility — right up there with the Committee to Create World Peace and the Committee to Improve Mariners’ Postseason Chances. Even if the Federal Aviation Administratioin could hear the city’s recommendations over the jetcraft noise, why would it even deign to pay attention? Really, if the number of planes bothers you that much, save yourself the trouble of building a deck. Just do yourself a favor: hook up the George Foreman and eat inside. You might, however, consider taking up the game Mr. Federal Way has been playing with Mrs. Federal Way. It’s called: Is that a star or a 747?
Q: Mr. Federal Way, what is the deal with all the bad driving in the terrible weather these past couple weeks, and how would you fix the problem?
A: Oh boy, now you’ve done it. Here goes Mr. Federal Way’s Federal Wayans tossing another driving question at Mr. Federal Way after he was warned NOT to talk about that after Mr. Federal Way apparently offended some thin-skinned folks about driving. Nice. Anywho, listen, all Mr. Federal Way can say about that is that common sense is earned, not guaranteed … or at least it should be. Mr. Federal Way is assuming you’re referring to all the accidents from Snowmageddon 2017. While Mr. Federal Way would NEVER make fun of others’ misfortunes, unless you’re the Atlanta Falcons, the last few weeks have left us with a few valuable lessons: Drive carefully, always be aware of your surroundings — especially in bad weather, and don’t get sloppy when you’re up 28-3. For all of the … yahoos trying to outsmart Mother Nature in the snow, you know, all the ones whom Darwin has so far ignored (you know who you are), Mr. Federal Way leaves you a line directly from Mrs. Federal Way: You get exactly, nothing more, nothing less, than what you deserve.
Q: Mr. Federal Way: Where did you and Mrs. Federal Way go on your honeymoon?
A: None of your business.
Do you have a question for Mr. Federal Way?Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com. Staff produced.
