Q: Mr. Federal Way, you had several New Year’s resolutions last year. Have any come true?

A: Lucky for you, the Mirror archives past Mr. Federal Way columns. Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

• Apartments (Resolution true)

Mr. Federal Way will admit it. Mr. Federal Way is the one to blame for the multi-family housing unit moratorium monstrosity. In the beginning of 2016, Mr. Federal Way willed the city to slow down on apartment construction because, well, traffic. But what Mr. Federal Way didn’t see coming was the City Council members’ public suicide in how they made it all happen. Mr. Federal Way could have told these folks that voting on an apartment moratorium around the same time 300 people came to City Hall to blame low-income housing and apartment density on the murders in Federal Way was a bad idea. That whole mess brought a new meaning to the phrase, “timing is everything.”

• Key to the City

Mr. Federal Way asked the city to be a little more conservative on who gets the highly coveted “Key to the City” this year. And while officials only gave it to one person, Joann Piquette, she might as well have already had a key (and a badge and an electronic signature). After all, her Federal Way Coalition of the Performing Arts has raised nearly $1 million for the construction of the $32.7 million, city-owned Performing Arts and Event Center.

• Chief of Staff Brian Wilson (Resolution true)

Mr. Federal Way is almost certain Brian Wilson never made it to the Mirror’s office to pick up those coupons for his retirement, but Wilson did resign. ‘Nough said.

• Clean up abandoned houses (Resolution true)

Mr. Federal Way will be honest, with neither the time nor the care this year, Mr. Federal Way hasn’t checked to see if the city cleaned up all the boarded up houses, but Mr. Federal Way did notice the one on South 320th Street and 21st Avenue South is gone. Kudos to whomever cleaned up that hot mess.

• Policy governance

Mr. Federal Way still doesn’t know why the school board uses policy governance, and Mr. Federal Way no longer cares.

• Marijuana calls (Resolution true)

Who knew a “marijuana in Federal Way” Google search would forever link the Federal Way Mirror to Mary Jane. Never mind the place of business was titled “publisher” and not “pot shop” (or whatever those establishments are called), people continued to think the Mirror sold the green stuff. Mr. Federal Way is guessing the fancy search algorithms mistook the Mirror’s business and the amount of coverage associated with the city’s ban of retail recreational marijuana. This is why we shouldn’t rely on computers, folks.

• Editor

Mr. Federal Way willed Publisher Rudi Alcott to hire an editor that would let Mr. Federal Way write whatever the heart desired. Mr. Federal Way could make many jokes that it’s still too early to tell, and Mr. Federal Way would like to keep his job. Alcott gave Mr. Federal Way an earful with the cars/editor analogy. Mr. Federal Way thought it was funny. In the spirit of new beginnings, Mr. Federal Way will refrain from giving his opinion on this one.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, what are your resolutions for 2017?

A: Being that five out of seven of Mr. Federal Way’s resolutions came to pass last year – through no help of his own – Mr. Federal Way will provide another batch for 2017. Here are Mr. Federal Way’s five resolutions for next year:

• To work on Mr. Federal Way’s tan and get a blond toupee. An extremely credible source has told Mr. Federal Way that if ya can’t beat ‘em join ‘em.

• Mr. Federal Way fully understands that in order for Federal Way to be great again, we need to build a great wall. And the wall must be inexpensive, and we will make Auburn pay for that wall. Mark Mr. Federal Way’s words.

• All of the women in Federal Way have flirted with Mr. Federal Way, consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected. This is wrong, and Mr. Federal Way resolves they should be fired. Women of Federal Way, you’re fired!

• Mr. Federal Way has never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke. Ban all of the Diet Coke in the Mirror’s office. Do it, now.

• Mr. Federal Way’s IQ is one of the highest – and you all should know it. Please don’t feel stupid or insecure, fellow Federal Wayans; it’s not your fault. Mr. Federal Way will make sure this column, like all of Mr. Federal Way’s columns, will become so powerful that Mr. Federal Way can actually make the city’s enemies tell the truth. It’ll happen. Mr. Federal Way guarantees.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, what are you doing for New Year’s Eve?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com