Sonics and Mother’s Day | Q&A with Mr. Federal Way

Published 1:00 pm Saturday, May 7, 2016

Q: Mr. Federal Way, I’m feeling pretty down about the Seattle City Council’s decision to block the new arena. What do you think the next step is to bring back our Sonics?

A: Mr. Federal Way was pretty bummed with the whole thing as well. Think of how nice it would have been to have a fun professional team to watch after football season ended in this state.

Well, all right, maybe the Mariners have been fun so far, but that can be expected about as often as Halley’s Comet.

All is not lost, however, and Mr. Federal Way, as always, has the solution: We’ll build the Sonics a world-class arena right here in Federal Way.

The city was looking at the Weyerhaeuser property all wrong in the first place. Do we really need a university when there are a good deal of them so close by? Do we need more shops when we already have an abundance of boarded-up commercial properties? The answer is an obvious no.

Everything is already falling into place in the city for a new arena.

Traffic is already horrible, so no one would notice the influx around game time. What’s an extra 10 minutes? We can even use SR-18 as a parking lot. It’s close enough to one as it is.

The new hotel would be perfect for visiting teams. More importantly, during every national broadcast, the city’s crown jewel, the Performing Arts and Events Center, would be on display during the B-roll footage when the second quarter’s about to begin.

Heck, maybe Town Square Park would even be done getting its 10th facelift by then and would be presentable to a national audience.

We know Federal Way is a basketball hotbed. Don’t the high school players in the city deserve to see the players they emulate in person?

Think about it, Mayor Ferrell. We’ve probably used city funds in far worse way in the past.

Probably.

Cough.

Anyway, until we do have a professional basketball team back in this state, Mr. Federal Way suggests everyone support the teams we actually do have. There’s a certain major-junior hockey team that’s about to play for a championship, so everyone’s already got a nice comfy bandwagon they can hop on to help them get over their I’ll-Be-Deep-In-the-Ground-Before-I-Acknowledge-the-Thunder blues.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, I need something to do with my mom for Mother’s Day. Any recommendations?

A: Ah, Mother’s Day. It’s a glorious day, isn’t it?

Well, it can be, provided you don’t have to deal with Mrs. Federal Way insisting it’s her day and insisting you go pick blueberries or some ridiculous thing in the middle of what you insist is the best day to catch some playoff games.

But Mr. Federal Way digresses.

As far as suggestions, Mr. Federal Way suggests that you and your mom take in a few of Federal Way’s favorite pastimes.

You can start by taking your elderly mother jaywalking. Nothing says “Federal Way” like running across traffic during rush hour.

Following that, take her to protest a new apartment complex. Mr. Federal Way hears it’s all the rage.

Need a memory for the day? Go to Wal-Mart and see if you can outwit the loss prevention staff. The police report is something you can cherish forever.

In between all of these activities, it’s important to make sure you shun a panhandler or two.

Lastly, make sure you stop by the old Costa Vida location to pay your respects. It’s where you would have taken her for lunch.

Or, you know, just go visit her. Maybe take her to a nice dinner somewhere. Most mothers are just happy with your presence. It’s always worked for Mr. Federal Way and Ma Federal Way, anyway. Frankly, if she isn’t thrilled to see you then it probably means your mother is a mean old hag. Or it means you’re one.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, when are you going to accept my friend request on Facebook?

A: None of your — or Mark Zuckerberg’s — business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.