Starbucks whiners and sun in Federal Way | Q&A with Mr. Federal Way
Published 3:00 pm Friday, April 22, 2016
Q: Mr. Federal Way, Starbucks recently changed their rewards program so the free drink, which used to come after 12 visits, is now earned based on the dollar amount spent at the store. Valued customers like me, who only order a drip coffee each visit, will have to wait almost three times as long to get the free drink! This doesn’t seem fair. What are your thoughts?
A: As a kid, Mr. Federal Way used to proclaim “it’s not fair!” about a number of things. He was told by older, wiser members of his family, “It’s not a circus either.” Ma and Pa Federal Way had rapier wits, no question, which is obviously the genetic source of Mr. Federal Way’s own charm.
Anyway, while visiting a Starbucks during peak hours can sometimes make Mr. Federal Way feel like he actually is at a circus, waiting in a 10-minute line for an overpriced cup of drip coffee hardly makes you a valued customer. Loyal and boring, maybe. Valued? No. The person in front of you buying the venti quad shot Caramelized Honey Frappuccino with six pumps of syrup and extra whipped cream paired with a Reduced Fat Turkey Bacon breakfast sandwich brings more coins to the coffer than your drip coffee. As Mirror publisher Rudi Alcott droningly preaches, it’s all about the bottom line. The fact that you’re whining about getting something for free leads Mr. Federal Way to believe you’re a lousy tipper, too.
Still, since Mr. Federal Way is a problem-solver kind of guy, he’ll switch gears from berating your cheap, inconsiderate nature and try to offer up a solution or two. For one, you could jump on the Starbucks-loathing bandwagon and boycott the chain. Mr. Federal Way is sort of a fan of supporting local business anyhow, so he heartily recommends getting your no-frills drip coffee at B&R Espresso or Marista’s.
Another option would be to give up your coffee compulsion to follow the advice of our Fairly Fit Female friend and just drink more water. According to her, you could potentially experience lower blood pressure, clearer skin and fewer bags under your eyes, all of which might make you a little less cranky.
As for his own percolated preference, Mr. Federal Way likes to consider himself extremely prudent when it comes to finances — which is very different from being cheap, he’ll have you know — so he participates in a rewards program of his own when it comes to coffee. Mr. Federal Way waits to brew his morning cup of joe until he gets to the Mirror office, meaning the publishing company buys the beans. Mr. Federal Way gets a free coffee. Every. Single. Morning.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, is it just me or has the sun brought out the weirdos in Federal Way?
A: Mr. Federal Way would argue that the sun tends to bring out the weirdos in all of the cities in the Northwest, and Seattle has us beat in that department. But yep, our fair city has its share of beam-seekers all the same.
You’ve got your jaywalkers that weave in and out of cars on South 320th Street. Mr. Federal Way has to occasionally resist the urge to indent a vehicle grill emblem in them just to make a point, but he’s so far managed to talk himself out of it. So far.
You also have your vivacious, colorful women who seem to be mummified in neon wrappings or sporting hair colors that make peacocks look subtle. Mr. Federal Way can’t help but stare. Not because they’re comely, you see, but because it’s hard to look away. It’s like a train carrying melted crayons smashed head-first into a train hauling paint: there’s something fascinating about that level of colorful chaos.
Mr. Federal Way’s favorite, though, are the sign wavers. Sure, reading panhandlers’ signs for reasons they need money (no job, single parent, wounded in World War I, etc.) is interesting, but he’s especially captivated by those guys who have to stand outside swinging signs around for a business. You know, the ones who wear headphones and hate their lives. Mr. Federal Way once saw a white guy in the full Rastafarian/Jamaican getup, swinging a sign for some vape shop while no doubt listening to Sublime or Bob Marley or any other insufferable reggae act. Now that’s commitment. Or it’s cultural appropriation. Mr. Federal Way isn’t sure.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, I remember you once wrote about how people come into the Mirror’s office looking to buy marijuana because of a defunct Google search feature. Did anyone come into the office on 4/20?
A: None of your business.
Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.
