Lonely hotel proposals and Sound Transit 3 | Q&A with Mr. Federal Way

Published 1:00 pm Saturday, April 30, 2016

Q: Mr. Federal Way, I was surprised to see only one proposal to build a hotel by the Performing Arts and Event Center. Federal Way isn’t Seattle, but it’s not exactly Poulsbo either. Why aren’t more investors interested?

A: Have you ever dated someone, and at first they were interesting and new, but then they started doing more and more things to impress you? And all of a sudden that shiny new someone was less interesting despite their continued efforts to prove themselves the Greatest Person on Earth? It dawns on you, slowly, that they weren’t actually all that great to begin with. Maybe they have a shady side you learn about. They were OK at wooing you when they were first trying, but then it was as if they tried too hard.

Federal Way city officials tried too hard.

They pushed the community to support the Performing Arts and Event Center. They overpaid on the purchase of the the former Target property, which the hotel will sit on. They oversold the New Market Tax Credits for the center. They opened up a Request for Proposal on the former Target site and got nothing. Then they spent $10,000 on a hotel study.

Obviously their efforts paid off – they did get that one proposal – but Mr. Federal Way is glad he’s already married. Dating the city sounds exhausting.

Now the interested parties have the upper-hand in the relationship. They know they’re the only ones in the picture, and they know their partner will have to settle for them out of a fear of dying alone and hotel-less.

Federal Way city officials were needy date-seekers, and Mr. Federal Way wonders when the developers will learn about this needy date-seeker’s shady side. You know, its frequent bursts of gun violence, its homelessness, its chronic underemployment, and its lack of reliable transportation (although it swears it’ll get a decent ride in 25 years if only you’ll give it $50 billion).

Q: Mr. Federal Way, do you support the Sound Transit 3 ballot measure?

A: Full disclosure: Mr. Federal Way has been staring at this question for just under four full minutes.

Mr. Federal Way understands that we have to look to the future and “think of the children,” but the last time Mr. Federal Way looked in his wallet he only found some lint, a single shirt button, and a moth cartoonishly fluttering out. A $50 billion tax plan isn’t chump change, folks. The Federal Way Link Extension isn’t even guaranteed to be funded – the last time it was guaranteed, then as a component of Sound Transit 2, it got knocked off due to The Great Recession. Who’s to say for sure that (1) that won’t happen again, (2) any of us will have the money to pay for a project that none of us will likely use, and (3) “the children” are actually worth it.

If the Federal Way Link Extension is used, it’ll probably still cost $20 or more to ride it every day, which is a pretty steep price unless they’ll accept lint and shirt buttons as fare payment. Mr. Federal Way thinks that $50 billion should be invested in existing infrastructure, such as freeways, instead of trying to create new, expensive options that will only benefit a handful of people each day.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, what is your favorite jelly bean flavor?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.