Black Friday and Christmas tree madness | Q&A with Mr. Federal Way

Published 8:30 am Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Q: Mr. Federal Way, do you plan to go Black Friday shopping and where do you recommend I can find the best deals?

A: Black Friday? More like the Black Plague of Death. Mr. Federal Way, as you might have gathered, does not wake up early on the day after Thanksgiving for anything other than the Apple Cup, which is at 12:30 p.m., by the way. But Mrs. Federal Way has informed Mr. Federal Way that not everyone has the luxury of recovering from a turkey coma and some may actually need to take advantage of good deals in order for there to be any Christmas at all. So, without further ado, Mr. Federal Way presents “2015’s best and worst retailers for Black Friday Deals,” courtesy of WalletHub.

WalletHub’s Black Friday experts, yes, they actually have those, say that the following stores have the best deals: 1. JcPenney will have 68 percent off; 2. Kohl’s, 67 percent off; 3. Stage, 64 percent; 4. Groupon, 64 percent; 5. Belk, 60 percent; 6. Macy’s, 56 percent off; 7. Kmart, 50 percent; 8. Panasonic, 47 percent; 9. Fred Meyer, 45 percent; and 10. Office Depot and OfficeMax, 43 percent off .

Federal Way has a Kohl’s, Macy’s, Fred Meyer, Office Depot and OfficeMax.

You’re welcome.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, what’s the deal with the Christmas tree lighting downtown this year? Is it still at that new park? Can I even say Christmas anymore or should this be a holiday tree lighting?

A: Excuse me, Mr. Federal Way had to wipe off his monitor after snorting out a diet coke through his nostrils from reading this question. It won’t be at the new park, unless you want to bring boots to trudge through the muck. Just in case you’ve been living in the trees, you may not know that this park is all torn up to be replaced by a new one. Mr. Federal Way won’t tell you the price. It’ll only ruin your holidays.

Truth is, Mr. Federal Way will have to get the Mirror crack crew to look this one up. Hard telling where this is going to be this year but Mr. Federal Way heard rumors of a Wild Waves event. All Mr. Federal Way knows is that this city government will spend more on it than the one that lands at 30 Rock or the White House this year. Probably combined. Sadly.

Here’s an idea. Go get Weyerhaeuser to donate a tree as an olive branch for leaving the city. Certainly they could find a forest or two that would have a good tree. And yes, it is still called a Christmas tree. Don’t like that answer? Go get your own holiday. Mr. Federal Way won’t judge and neither should anyone else about using the word Christmas. This is, after all, a Christian holiday.

Want a holiday to kick off deer hunting season? Fine. Go for it. Put up a deer tree with ornaments for all Mr. Federal Way cares. Go to Cabela’s and look for matching ornaments to keep the wife happy. They have everything. They’re like the Michaels for guys.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, you are quite the pill. I’ll bet you are a joy to live with. Are diamonds a girl’s best friend for the holidays for the missus?

A: None of your business. And it’s Christmas as noted above. Pay attention.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com