Driving and cell phone etiquette | Q&A with Mr. Federal Way

Published 1:41 pm Friday, July 17, 2015

Q: Mr. Federal Way, with the onslaught of smartphone users, I have noticed the large number of people in public places talking, texting and on social media, completely unaware of their surroundings. I find it rude and inconsiderate; what’s your take on this?

A: Although several readers would be opposed to describing Mr. Federal Way as “smart,” Mr. Federal Way does actually own a smartphone. Due partially to a lack of technological savviness and mostly due to an abundance of common sense, Mr. Federal Way uses excellent cell phone etiquette and thinks everyone else should too.

Even though Mr. Federal Way thinks “Baby Got Back” is a very catchy ringtone to alert him when Mrs. Federal Way is calling, the other Mirror staff members don’t appreciate hearing the soundbite at top volume numerous times throughout the day. (We have an excellent relationship thanks to our rock-solid and constant communication.)

I have found that the sound of smartphone vibrating on my desk or in my pocket is enough to catch my attention, but doesn’t disrupt others’ concentration. I can quickly excuse myself from the office if I need to discuss something personal, or I can just speak softly.

Despite the fact that Mr. Federal Way is inundated with email questions, Facebook friend requests, and fan mail, Mrs. Federal Way has implemented a strict rule regarding phone use at the dinner table. Similar to marijuana-related business in Federal Way, it is banned. (Although her ban is permanent. Mrs. Federal Way is quite decisive. No “cell phone moratorium” at our house.)

The dinner table is meant for nourishment and conversation with those across the table, not those across the World Wide Web. If you don’t even know what your teenage daughter is up to during the day, should you be concerned with what your former co-worker from your part-time job in college is posting on social media? Absolutely not. That inbox full of important messages? It will be there tomorrow right after you punch the time clock. No need to open that can of worms while enjoying your supper. Leave that mess at work.

As for texting and driving, I’m going to let Chief of Police Andy Hwang answer to that, or better yet South King Fire and Rescue Chief Al Church. It’s stupid, expensive and dangerous. No etiquette needed.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, I recently saw a report that said cops are more likely to ticket you for speeding on the highway in Federal Way. How is that possible since all I ever see is traffic?

A: You know, Mr. Federal Way was confused when he saw that report too at first. But after some thought, it makes a little bit of sense.

The report from King 5 said that around the 320th exit is where you are four times as likely to get a ticket than a mile in either direction. They also said it is more likely to happen at 8 a.m. and between 4-6 p.m.

Mr. Federal Way understands the morning one somewhat. You’ve battled through the mess in Tacoma and Fife and you need to catch up a bit on your commute north.

Things open up a bit in this area, so why not add a few extra mph to your normal traveling speed?

Judging from the amount of people that Mr. Federal Way has seen pulled over to the side of the road, there’s probably a good reason you shouldn’t add those mph.

Now the evening commute is still baffling. Interstate 5 is a glorified parking lot right around 3 p.m. and it only gets worse during the peak of rush hour traffic. Mr. Federal Way doesn’t know how anyone is speeding going southbound since it looks like everyone is moving about 10 feet a minute from here through Fife and Tacoma.

Maybe they’re targeting those people who commute south in the morning and north in the evening because they don’t want them to be too happy their commute is much less of a headache?

Then again, maybe Mr. Federal Way is giving too much credit to Washington drivers who seem to know how to do every illegal maneuver on the road regardless of how much traffic is around. Sometimes Mr. Federal Way wishes he could ticket them. But alas, Mr. Federal Way cannot.

The same report says that police being able to pull over near that big HOV ramp is what helps them merge into traffic to pull people over easier. It might help, but Mr. Federal Way has seen cops pull over to all sorts of nooks and crannies to hide themselves on the road.

Generally speaking, people move out of the way when they see the lights start to flash regardless of how difficult merging should be. Or they run if they’re stupid. Mr. Federal Way has seen a lot of stupid people in these situations.

This news doesn’t bother Mr. Federal Way since Mr. Federal Way is a saint who never gets in trouble for anything that doesn’t involve Mr. Federal Way’s opinions. Actually, it’s just because Mr. Federal Way’s salary isn’t enough to pay off the ticket.

Police should start ticketing people who don’t know how to merge instead of those who are speeding. That’s where the real money is in this state anyway. It’s not as hard as you all make it, Mr. Federal Way promises.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, when are you going to actually go on a vacation?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com