Disclaimer: Mr. Federal Way is taking a much-needed vacation this week to recharge the old batteries. Mr. Federal Way is on a staycation and his daily outings this week may involve finding the best place to drink suds and spying on City Hall.
Readers of the Mirror will be treated to the next best thing — Mrs. Federal Way, who is taking over Mr. Federal Way’s award-winning and super popular column for a week.
Q: Mrs. Federal Way, first of all, you must be a saint after having to put up with Mr. Federal Way and some of his in-your-face commentary week after week. How do you deal such an opinionated husband?
A: The Federal Ways decided early on that any column writing Mr. Federal Way takes on would have to remain anonymous, not so much to drive Federal Way residents crazy (that strongly satisfies Mr. Federal Way), but to keep Mrs. Federal Way of sound mind.
Mrs. Federal Way does not want to walk down the meat aisle at Safeway on Sunday afternoon and get hit in the head with a raw chicken or the like. Mrs. Federal Way refuses to take the blame for her husband’s sometimes too-loose tongue.
That said, Mrs. Federal Way is hardly Saint Therese of Lisieux. Mrs. Federal Way does not and will not bite her tongue in spite of some of her husband’s viewpoints. In fact, there have been a few instances when Mrs. Federal Way straight up shook her finger at Mr. Federal Way and asked him how he could tread so lightly on particular issues.
“This is not a beginner’s swim class,” Mrs. Federal Way yelled at her husband regarding the issue of Town Square Park.
The Federal Way mayor, and anyone who subscribes to his theory of implementing a downtown park in segments until it finally reaches a whole — but treating that whole as segments — deserves some confinement.
Mrs. Federal Way is certain there must be a place in the Federal Way Police Department, near the fingerprinting equipment and holding cell, where police Chief Andy Hwang could allow elected officials behaving badly to spend two or three hours in timeout. Volunteers could read the officeholders their rights, oversee the slammer and finally let them out on promised good behavior and effective decision-making.
But back to Town Square Park. Mrs. Federal Way could build something like that in her own backyard. Mrs. Federal Way envisions a new garden at the Federal Way household that will consist of a beautifully landscaped two-acre plot of land.
She will initially send Mr. Federal Way to Home Depot to pick up a water fountain, a few bunches of colorful flowers and small round trees to flank around the yard. Mrs. Federal Way will tell Mr. Federal Way not to worry because this garden project will only cost $1,000, including free labor (that’s what our kids are for).
Once these aspects are in place in the Federal Way’s garden, Mrs. Federal Way will then need to create an even more invigorating place of retreat. Mr. Federal Way will need this green refuge, after all, as a place to unwind after a long day’s work after his staycation.
We will continue to build green labyrinths around the yard, with cobblestone pathways and small ponds, thus increasing the initial price-tag to at least $8,000.
Once these elements are in place — just a few months after our neighbors have had the chance to look out over our oasis in envy — Mrs. Federal Way reckons we will pull up the maze, fill in the small ponds and remove the round trees. But don’t worry, the Federal Ways will move some of those trees and the labyrinth to a different part of their yard, before we lay down a water spray feature and pool for the kids.
If you are scratching your head by now, that’s called empathy. You now understand how Mrs. Federal Way feels every time she hears something new regarding Town Square Park.
When Mrs. Federal Way finishes her garden and gets it done right the first time, she will invite the mayor over for tea in the garden followed by an afternoon of swimming, when we can discuss the proper way to build parks. You may want to bring your lifejacket, Mr. Mayor, because this old gal will serve you the ice cold truth.
Q: Mrs. Federal Way, so I’ve lived off 21st Avenue Southwest and Southwest 305th Street for 14 years. A woman who lives near me likes to honk her horn excessively at home or on 21st Avenue or for that matter every place she goes.
She impedes traffic on 21st a lot, pretty much every time she leaves the house. It has really become old to the people who live near her because she has created so many angry people with this behavior that we can hear other cars honking when they pass her house just to harass her. If you see this woman, will you please tell her to stop the madness that has been going on for years? Thank You.
The Entire Neighborhood
A: Mrs. Federal Way occasionally has an outburst of road rage, but she can assure you that this woman you are referring to is not Mrs. Federal Way. However, Mrs. Federal Way has driven down this street for undisclosed reasons and Mrs. Honker has blared her car horn when Mrs. Federal Way passed her house.
At first, Mrs. Federal Way thought maybe Mrs. Honker was trying to warn her that her brake lights were out, but then she beeped her horn the second time a couple weeks later. Mrs. Federal Way reckoned Mrs. Honker’s horn must have a screw loose.
Mrs. Federal Way pulled over to the side of the road and listened as the honker continued to honk at other cars. But it wasn’t a long blare, it was more like a series of hoots.
Since then, Mrs. Federal Way — and everyone else who has traveled down 21st Avenue Southwest — has become very familiar with Mrs. Honker. It seems something must be bothering this poor, disturbed woman and if she’s honking at cars, it must be the traffic.
So Mrs. Federal Way has a solution. Mrs. Honker, we urge you to find a portable horn — something akin to a foghorn — and take it with you to the council chambers (where, rumor has it, Mrs. Honker has sounded off — pun intended — on traffic issues).
Tell the mayor and council members what is bothering you so much that you find it necessary to ruin your neighbor’s peace and quiet and scare unsuspecting drivers who have to travel down your street. Perhaps the council can solve the issue by installing a speed bump or some other device to make Mrs. Honker happy.
But if this is beyond the council, then Mrs. Federal Way has a solution for Mrs. Honker’s neighbors. If the honks keep hooting, call the city’s code enforcement and find out if Mrs. Honker could be violating the city’s noise code. And, if that doesn’t work, call the police department’s non-emergency number and speak with an officer about potentially filing a police report over Mrs. Honker’s alleged neighborhood harassment.
In the meantime, honk if you love Mrs. Federal Way.
Q: Mrs. Federal Way, who makes the payments on your property taxes, you or Mr. Federal Way?
A: That, darling, is none of your business.
Got a question for Mr. or Mrs. Federal Way? Email email@example.com