Q: Mr. Federal Way, I’m surprised you didn’t respond to the letters calling out your snide comments. I mean, usually you take to that feedback like a moth to a flame. Is this the beginning of a Mr. Federal Way who takes the high road or were you just waiting for someone to ask about it?

A: Mr. Federal Way take the high road? If words and font could convey a snort, this is where that font would go. Also, where’s that sarcasm font? It’s 2016, for crying out loud.

Assuming both letter-writers are Democrats – one bluntly states not all Democrats smoke from bongs while the other vehemently supports the Performing Arts and Event Center, and well, you know – Mr. Federal Way can maybe admit the comments were snide. That is, after all, Mr. Federal Way’s modus operandi.

Don’t feel bad, Democrats. Know that Mr. Federal Way only offends your sensibilities because they’re so darn easily offended. Doing it is like relaxing in my own personal safe space, which you should appreciate, because poking fun at your political counterparts is like kicking a hornets’ nest. You know, if hornets were ideologically inconsistent, trigger-happy, “I’m-not-a-racist-but-here’s-an-anecdote-about-why-black-people-are-criminals” lunatics.

At least you donkeys know where you stand. I respect that. You like your weed, your social programs endlessly devouring money, your self-censorship out of a spineless fear of offending someone, and the coddling of absolutely anyone no matter how little they deserve it. You’re consistent. The elephants, by comparison, support “small government” and the creation of the Department of Homeland Security at the same time. They want government to get out of private lives except when it comes to gay marriage, abortion, voting rights, flag-burning, migrant workers, police power abuses, defense spending, and literally everything else. They STILL support trickle-down economics despite us having tried them for nearly 40 YEARS without them working or having any result other than repeated economic crashes. The only thing they’re consistent about is disliking whatever you donkeys do, and even then they’re not really sure why they’re so busy disliking it. Something about taking their country back from someone. Or something. Probably.

Mr. Federal Way guesses he’d also be a gun-toting lunatic if he had to shoulder that much confusion and cognitive dissonance every day. But he doesn’t. Because he’s actually aware it’s no longer 1952.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, about every news outlet ranging from the Washington Post to local TV stations reported on children living in a sewer in Federal Way… except the Mirror. How can the Mirror call itself the “first choice for local news and happenings” when it doesn’t report on something as awful as that?

A: Two things: Police discovered those boys weren’t homeless. They didn’t live in the sewer, they were using it as a fort. They live in a nice house right near the manhole cover they’d stashed their stuff in (something that can be read about in a tiny paragraph the Washington Post added on Monday to the bottom of their first story, or in more pronounced fashion on a KIRO story).

So the real question is whether you want the Mirror to report real, actual news or made-up, scandalous stories that would make for good reads in a short fiction collection?

And No. 2, the information provided to said news outlets went a little something like this: Random caller calls, reports unverified information. News stations go cray cray. Editors, producers and publishers put pressure on reporters nationwide to “get to the bottom of this.” Reporters get statement from Lakehaven Utility District and run with it. Never mind that the police haven’t confirmed the information. Never mind that all photographic evidence pointed to it not being a domicile and that the story in general made no freakin’ sense. Never mind that everything about the “story” ended up being sensationalistic nonsense that wasn’t true at all.

As Mr. Federal Way likes to think he makes this newspaper “pop,” actual journalists with actual instincts enough to call B.S. when they see it are what actually makes hearts of most print outlets beat. This was a pretty classic reminder of that. Sorry, Lakehaven. Stick to what you know and do best – messing around with clean water and not-so-clean water and all that stuff. Let investigators be investigators.

And news outlets, maybe go back to school and brush up that edumacation. One of the decent schools, not the Roger Ailes Center for Good-Looking Garbage That Falls Apart After Even a Second’s Worth of Thought. Those schools and all the others like yours are just ITT Techs but with crappier computers.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, what did you do for Labor Day?

A: None of your business.

Got something for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.