Red or blue? Republican or Democrat? Take this test | Bob Roegner

Are you red or blue?

Are you a Republican or a Democrat? Or, like many Washington state voters, are you a little of both?

Some people aren’t sure what they are, but feel obliged to be something. Others don’t care and are so annoyed with most everything political, they avoid party affiliation all together.

But for those of you who want to be something, but have grown confused as to what you would be, I decided to ask affiliated party members themselves. I also asked them what the other party stands for. Here’s what they had to say.

Democrats are blue. They tend to be pro-choice and pro-labor. While they support the men and women in the military, they really don’t want them going any place outside the continental United States. Alaska and Hawaii would be OK, as insurrections there are pretty unlikely. They don’t trust big business, CEOs or boards of directors, and believe that government is the answer to most everything. They have bumper stickers that say “buy American” — but it’s on the back of a Toyota because Toyotas get better gas mileage.

Republicans are red, although they’re not sure why. They tend to be pro-life, pro-management and want a strong military, which they are willing to send just about everywhere, particularly if it protects the oil they need for their SUVs. They believe people should be responsible for their own lives and that government is the answer to almost nothing. They don’t trust any part of government now that the Democrats are in charge. Of course, Republicans didn’t trust government when Republicans were in charge, either. Republicans want to include more people in their party, but they’re not sure who those people are.

Democrats are more likely to support higher taxes because they think rich Republicans will end up paying most of the bill — and because it’s more fun to spend other people’s money.

Republicans don’t want any taxes, “no way, no how,” unless it’s for military or police because they figure anybody committing a crime is probably not a card-carrying Republican anyhow.

Republicans shop at the Metro Market and Nordstrom’s, belong to country clubs and play golf. Democrats shop at Fred Meyer and Target, and prefer bowling. Some Democrats belong to country clubs, but they get a Republican to sponsor them. Some Republicans bowl, but they do it under an assumed name. Both groups shop at Costco because everybody watches their money. Democrats watch pennies and Republicans watch dollars.

Republicans want everybody to speak English and carry a Bible. They want the borders guarded so no one gets in who might take a job from someone already here, although they make exceptions for their domestic help. This is OK, but remembering to pay the taxes on them is a problem.

Democrats say “bring me your tired, your poor” and just about anybody else who wants to come here (see higher taxes). They own Bibles as well, but only carry them around on Sunday.

Democrats believe the current economic problems were caused by greedy Republican CEOs taking advantage of Democrats who want to buy a house. Republicans believe it was caused by greedy Democrats running up their credit card bills — probably on bowling.

Democrats are “environmentalists” and Republicans are “conservationists,” although when you see Al Sharpton and Pat Robertson in the same television commercial, you realize there isn’t much difference between the two.

So, has all of this insightful information helped you decide what you are? I certainly hope so. But if, on the other hand, you think I’ve finally gone around the bend, check the date of this column’s publication.