My New Year’s resolutions | Publisher’s Desk

Everybody has to have some New Year’s resolutions.

Everybody has to have some New Year’s resolutions.

Here are mine to the community of Federal Way.

I agree to become a better father and husband. These 70-hour work weeks are getting in the way of my pot toking, cigarette smoking, alcohol-induced, casino-hopping binges. Working too much is just immoral and fattening.

I agree to quit manufacturing all of the bad news in Federal Way. It is, after all, totally my fault for all of the school board trips, sign gate debacles and police and fire district sexcapades.

The mind control divining rods I installed in West Campus are working too well and have brought the mayor, both chiefs and the superintendent completely under my control.

Full disclosure. I recently sold this technology to every other news outlet in the world, including FOX news. This check made the Mega Millions look like chump change. I would return this but I have already cashed the check. Sorry.

I agree to start supporting other sports teams. As a lifetime fan of the Denver Broncos, Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Indiana Hoosiers, they are not getting the job done. None of these teams have brought a championship home since the mid-1990s.

So, let’s hear it for the Seahawks, the Cougs and Purdue. After all, their successes are legendary if you consider zero a number like I do.

Here’s a tidbit for you. Why is it better to watch a football game at Century Link instead of Mile High? The championship banners don’t get in your line of sight.

I agree to continue to meet “the boys” at McDonald’s on most mornings on my way in to work, in spite of all of the other Federal Way crazies who also show up there.

In the year-and-a-half I have been doing this, the Federal Way Police Department has been called so many times that most of the cops join us for coffee. I’m kidding. I wish. So here’s to you Dick, Ray and Cecil. Anybody taking odds on who gets mugged first?

Even money it will be me.

I agree to disclose who Mr. Federal Way is. So here goes. It is … none of your business.

Rudi Alcott is the publisher of The Mirror.

 


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