Q: So, Monsieur Federal Way, you are “the man in the know,” what’s with this massive current influx over the last few months/year or so of homeless, also known as what is known in the past not so politically correct sensitive era as “bums,” “hobos,” into the Federal Way area? The woods are ineffectively filled with hoards of them.

They’re everywhere, everywhere. Was there an ad put in the “Hobo Express Newspaper” or something that Federal Way is “the in place” for homeless residency? Are our city officials aware of this? Is the police so busy, they have missed this fact? (Ha, I doubt that one!) We had this problem when I came here some 20-plus years ago and it was solved. Let’s dig back in the Federal Way history books and get on this problem.

Concerned Federal Way resident

A: Mr. Federal Way can only assume the “influx of bums or hobos,” as you so eloquently put it, in recent months is due to the fact that summertime often brings people out of the house and shelters. It’s likely that panhandlers tend to stay a little longer on the sidewalk when it’s a sunny day versus a rainy one. So, you are probably just noticing these people more frequently.

As for an influx over the years? Mr. Federal Way did some quick research and found out some statistics. One Night Count, a community-organized count of homeless people that takes place around the country on a cold night in January, has released its count year after year for Federal Way.

In 2015, volunteers counted 105 people in this city without shelter at night. In 2014, it was 113. In 2013, it was 118. So far, if Mr. Federal Way’s math is right, that’s a decrease, good friend. But, ahh, you seem to be right if you go back one year. In 2012, volunteers counted 77 homeless people in Federal Way.

But, weird enough, the year before that was 124 and in 2010 it was 181! Mr. Federal Way thinks 2012’s count was a fluke. Maybe that was the year volunteers got scared off by that huge storm Western Washington had, or maybe the homeless were able to find shelter. The point is, this count is the closest thing cities have to be able to measure transients and, from these counts, it appears the amount of homeless people in Federal Way have decreased over time.

And, Mr. Federal Way doesn’t keep track of advertisements in the “Hobo Express Newspaper.” You might want to check with their sales representatives.

Mr. Federal Way advises you ask city officials if they’re aware of the supposed increase of homeless people you perceive. Mr. Federal Way isn’t a city official and doesn’t plan on being one. Although, if Mr. Federal Way was going to guess, Mr. Federal Way would say they probably aren’t aware of this since there still aren’t funds for that day hygiene shelter many City Council members have been trying to build for the last year.

To answer your last question, Mr. Federal Way feels that you should know that is it common knowledge that it’s not illegal to be homeless or a panhandler, if you follow the rules. Mr. Federal Way hopes you will find a way to help with the problem by volunteering for a homeless organization, oh Monsieur Questioner, instead of being so judgemental about the issue. Casting judgement is never constructive, unless you’re Mr. Federal Way.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, what are your thoughts on the Public Disclosure Commission’s decision to throw out the Teri Hickel/Key to the City complaint?

A: Looks like commission staff agree with Mr. Federal Way — this is all just a bunch of malarkey. Mr. Federal Way swears this political race seems familiar. Oh, that’s right: High school!

But what could you honestly expect from politics, eh? Mr. Federal Way is tired of “who endorsed whom” and “how we’re going to fund our kids’ education” conversations. The real questions are how will these legislators get the money to start building our city on Mars when this planet goes to dust? Mr. Federal Way thinks some long-term future planning is in order.

We could call it Federal Way 2.0. And what about who these people really are? We all know education and business leadership are your passions but who are you really? Ms. Gregory, what’s your favorite reality show? Ms. Hickel, what’s the grossest thing you’ve eaten? These are the burning questions Mr. Federal Way plans on asking candidates. These are the answers people really want to hear.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, did you cry when your kids went off to school this week?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com