Q: Mr. Federal Way, the Mirror’s annual candidate forum for the August primary is coming up on July 12. Got any predictions?
A: Mr. Federal Way bets $10 Councilwoman Susan Honda sits between Mark Greene and Mayor Jim Ferrell. Need Mr. Federal Way remind everyone of the primary candidate forum that occurred two years ago? Mr. Federal Way is sure it’s burned in everyone’s memory, but let thee refresh: It’s the evening of July 10, 2015, at Twin Lakes Golf and Country Club, and Greene, Anthony Murrietta and Lydia Assefa-Dawson are running for Assefa-Dawson’s City Council seat. They’re answering questions, and about 60 constituents are watching. As Greene wraps up his answer on how Federal Way should attract more businesses, he applauds the mayor for doing an excellent job in doing so and adds this nugget: “And as everybody, well I shouldn’t say everybody, but as every political insider in Federal Way knows, I was chosen to be put in this race by the mayor’s political camp. And I’m going to be there helping Mayor Ferrell attract business.” After Murrietta answered, and tacked on a sarcastic, “And apparently you heard it first today, Mayor Jim Ferrell apparently put Mark up here to do this,” Ferrell promptly let the whole crowd know “that was not accurate.” The whole night became about the mysterious campaign manager who allegedly pushed Greene to run. It was a back-and-forth that Mr. Federal Way will relish for all eternity.
Now, Greene is running for the mayor’s seat. This is going to be a good one, folks. Surely, Greene can’t say the mayor’s team put him up to run for mayor, but what kind of off-the-wall stuff will he say? Mr. Federal Way predicts Greene will say the Mirror is a tabloid and that the Chamber of Commerce is responsible for the negative effects of globalization. He’ll likely criticize the mayor’s involvement with the Performing Arts and Event Center and maybe something about green energy. Ferrell will try his absolute best to be on good behavior – this means no outbursts, no subtle hints of sarcasm. But will he succeed? Inside Politics columnist Bob Roegner has written about the mayor’s temper. He’s gotta know this is an issue. Maybe Ferrell will be carrying a stress ball.
As for the other candidates? Meh. Mr. Federal Way has no doubt they’ll have crossed their Ts, dotted their Is and will have come fully prepared.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, I was very impressed by the Mirror’s fancy new fidget spinners. Is the Mirror turning into an entertainment business now?
A: Yes, the Mirror offered light-up fidget spinners at the annual Red, White and Blues Festival this year. Sure, Mr. Federal Way understands the Mirror was capitalizing on this hot toy, but Mr. Federal Way guarantees you won’t see those things in his Federal Way household. No, those fast-spinning, light-flashing devices that make the constant “whirring” sound do more to distract than help those who “fidget.” Mr. Federal Way made the mistake of giving his free Mirror fidget spinner to child No. 2 and took it back less than five minutes later. Johnny, we’ll call him, wouldn’t look Mr. Federal Way in the eyes when he was spoken to, and Mr. Federal Way could barely hear the sound of his own voice whilst conversing. The disrupting spinner was gone as soon as young Johnny brought it to the dinner table. Whatever happened to training the brain to actually, I dunno, concentrate on what people are saying? You know, looking them in the eye and creating a real human connection? It’s bad enough smartphones are glued to people’s right hands most of the time. Now we’ve got to add a fidget spinner to the left one? Call Mr. Federal Way old school, but like Giga Pets, Furbies and Beanie Babies, Mr. Federal Way hopes this trendy toy is out the door before the end of summer. Here’s an idea, kids, go outside and use your imagination.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, were you at the Red, White and Blues Festival?
A: None of your business.
This column is produced by Mirror staff. Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email email@example.com.