By Amy Johnson, Sex in the Suburbs
When I teach sexuality education at my church, we have a question box.
Every session, to help preserve anonymity, each participant puts a card in the box, writing either “no question” or the question they have.
One question that has come up is, “Am I still a virgin if I have oral sex?” It’s no wonder that teens are confused about that topic, given its recent history in our country.
In the curriculum we use, which is research-based, comprehensive and inclusive, we teach that intercourse is intercourse, whether it is vaginal, oral or anal. We want youth to understand that the risks involved in any kind of intercourse are much greater than other types of sexual and sensual touching.
In addition to the pregnancy risk for vaginal/penile intercourse, bodily fluids are exchanged during any type of unprotected intercourse, increasing the risk of HIV. Unprotected contact also increases the risk for herpes, HPV and other sexually-transmitted infections. Trojan ran an ad recently, which stated that 25 percent of people who have HIV don’t tell their partners because they don’t know they have it. Barrier protection methods such as condoms or dental dams are key for the health of those who choose to engage in any type of intercourse.
Another aspect to this question has to do with decision-making. “Virgin” is a loaded word, and can carry a lot of positive or negative weight with teens, depending on their values, sexuality education level, self-esteem and peer group.
Questions that are as important to ask as the one above are:
• How do you decide if you are ready to engage in any type of intercourse?
• If you decide you are ready, are you planning to use protection?
• How will you feel if there are unintended consequences such as pregnancy or disease? How will your partner feel?
• Have you discussed these issues with your partner?
I discuss with teens the importance of having these potentially uncomfortable conversations with yourself and a partner before engaging in any sexual act, whether it is intercourse or not (remember, the goal is to think about it). My point is that it will be a whole lot more uncomfortable and embarrassing if you don’t talk beforehand and end up with a disease or pregnant — and please consider that, if you are not ready to have this kind of conversation with a partner, then you really need to think if you are ready to engage in the behavior.
Recent research about adolescents and peer pressure showed that the most influential factor was not what youth themselves think, or what other youth think, but what youth think the other youth think is cool.
To me, this is gravely important, because it means we need to be sure that medically and scientifically accurate information is reaching our youth regarding the subject of sexuality. The decisions young people make regarding their sexuality and sexual behavior will affect them for their whole lives. Let’s make sure they are well informed.
Amy Johnson, MSW, is a professional life and parent coach in Federal Way. She also facilitates faith and sexuality classes for youth and can be reached at comments@diligentjoy.com.
