Federal Way Mirror


Q&A with Mr. FW: March Madness — vasectomies and local soap operas

Federal Way Mirror columnist
March 21, 2014 · 1:46 PM

Mr. Federal Way / Contributed

Q: Mr. Federal Way, what’s your opinion on your tax dollars being spent on an investigation brought on by the “Good Ol’ Boys Network,” better known as South King Fire and Rescue?

A: Mr. Federal Way remembers the summer months when Mr. Federal Way was a kid. Mr. Federal Way vividly remembers Mr. Federal Way’s mother watching the daytime soap opera, “Days of Our Lives.”

Mr. Federal Way remembers how ridiculous those episodes were. It was like the writer’s of “Days of Our Lives” thought of the most unlikely situations and then wrote about them. Soap operas, like “Days of Our Lives,” focused heavily on emotional relationships to the point of melodrama.

South King Fire and Rescue’s top brass seem to be the “Days of Our Lives” of Federal Way, as evidenced by the latest soap opera, which cost the taxpayers well over $20,000 (the Mirror will report on the exact amount next week).

According to Mr. Federal Way’s research, South King Fire and Rescue Chief Al Church filed a complaint last October against Commissioner Mark Freitas, as a result of “age discrimination.” Church also accused Freitas of stalking him, making personal snipes to Church, staring at him during meetings to intimidate him and harassment, amongst more than a dozen allegations.

It feels like the vice principal at a junior high is going to call Church and Freitas into his office because they were scheduled to meet at the clock tower after school.

To further illustrate the junior-high feel of South King Fire and Rescue, all you have to do is look at a quote from Church in the complaint. It sounds exactly like something the detention principal would hear after two kids were arguing close to their lockers between third and fourth periods.

“He sits during commissioner meetings, often staring at me, unchecked, red in the face and glaring,” Church wrote. “I make a habit not to look at him unless he is speaking to avoid the attempted intimidating stare.”

Criticism is just part of the job when you work with the public, no matter how big or how small that public persona is. That’s just part of the gig. All you have to do is take a look at Mr. Federal Way’s email inbox.

Obviously, Mr. Federal Way has a very limited public role in the city. But that fact doesn’t stop emailers from emailing that Mr. Federal Way needs to retire or that Mr. Federal Way has no idea what he’s writing about week in and week out.

Does it get Mr. Federal Way’s blood pressure boiling just a little bit when somebody says that Mr. Federal Way is terrible at Mr. Federal Way’s job? Sure it does. But does it make Mr. Federal Way want to quit writing about problems or funny stories Mr. Federal Way thinks people want to hear? No.

The South King Fire and Rescue board of commissioners, along with Church, need to be able to take a little criticism, whether it’s from the public, which pays them, or fellow board members.

This isn’t junior high school or “Days of Our Lives.” Let’s get back to protecting the people within the South King Fire and Rescue coverage area and stop the soap opera.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, did you hear that there is a medical clinic that gives away free pizza to patients who got vasectomies during the NCAA basketball tournament to drum up business?

A: That’s a new one for Mr. Federal Way, but it’s not really surprising. However, taking the massive step to get a vasectomy just to get out of work and sit on the couch with a bag of ice on your groin really does qualify as “March Madness.”

Mr. Federal Way has heard several excuses to get out of working the opening two days of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, which happens to be the two best days of the year if you are a sports fan, like Mr. Federal Way is. The most common affliction seems to always be a cough, which usually crops up around Tuesday and caps with calling into the office sick on both Thursday and Friday.

But, getting a vasectomy is a new one and seems like a very, very aggressive alternative to just calling in sick or just watching the tournament games on your computer at work.

According to a new survey by Retail Me Not, approximately three in 10 people say they will watch the college basketball games from work and four in 10 people say they will stream games from their work computers.

Mr. Federal Way thinks keeping one eye on Mr. Federal Way’s computer and one eye on where Mr. Federal Way’s boss is, will be the correct option during the NCAA Tournament.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, with the NCAA Tournament starting yesterday, who is your pick to win March Madness? You seem super knowledgeable about everything.

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com

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