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SIDELINES: Super Bowl always makes peculiar party mix
In my house, Super Bowl Sunday means a super awesome party.
It makes no difference who is playing. It's just an excuse to have friends over to eat nachos and chicken wings, drink (a lot) and watch some football. The Super Bowl is the Fourth of July of the winter, minus the fireworks and barbecue.
But there is a sinister side to every Super Bowl party. No matter how big or small the get-together is, you can count on certain types of people showing up to a Super Bowl party.
So when the New England Patriots and New York Giants get together Sunday afternoon and you are digging into the chili con queso dip and Bud Light half rack, take a look around the room and you will see several of these people milling around:
"Advertising Exec" — This is the guy/gal who doesn't even pay attention to the game and really has no clue who is even suiting up. Couldn't even tell you how many points a team gets for a safety. But once Al Michaels says the words, "We'll be right back after this commercial break," they have tractor-beam focus on the TV.
This "Mad Men" wannabe analyzes the 30-second commercials like Ron Jaworski breaking down Tim Tebow and compares this year's batch to commercials in the past.
"That godaddy.com one doesn't even compare to the Doritos ad from '06 and nothing will ever top the Bud Bowl."
"Jimmy the Greek" — This is usually your buddy who happens to be an accountant or some other nerd that deals with numbers and math 40 hours a week. And during the Super Bowl, he gets to let his hair down and run the squares pool where everybody throws a buck into the pot and puts their initials on a square. Square pools are fun and a good way to keep everyone involved in the game, but this guy takes it too far.
This guy won't take the chart out of his hands the entire game and shouts out every mathematical combination before and after every score in the game.
"OK, if the Pats score a touchdown and fail on the 2-point conversion, you are up."
"The Town Drunk" — This is the guy that always takes the Monday after the Super Bowl off from work. That was actually a condition when he was hired at the local plumbing company.
Much like the "Advertising Exec," the drunk really has no interest in the game. He's there to party. No ifs, ands or buts about it. He shows up with a fifth of Fireball, along with an 18-pack of Bud Light. That's it. No chips or appetizers.
The swearing usually starts around the middle of second quarter, followed by the awkward hugs and "I love you, man's" at halftime. By the third quarter, his shirt is most likely off, exposing his hairy and immense gut. But everyone is relieved when he finally passes out midway through the fourth. The only problem is waking him up and carrying him to the car so his wife can take him home.
"Vince Lombardi" — This guy was a former back-up quarterback in high school who has spent hours breaking down tape on both the Patriots and Giants. Instead of watching the halftime performance of Madonna or the Lingerie Bowl, he is telling everybody around him the adjustments both teams have to make in the locker room.
"The Patriots need to play more Cover 2 in the defensive backfield and the Giants have to get their zone blitz package going."
Thanks Vince Lombardi, but the only halftime adjustment I'm making is from the Fireball to Bud Lights.
"Parents of the Year" — These are your friends who recently had their first child and refuse to hire a babysitter to watch their pride and joy. I love kids, have kids, but a Super Bowl party is not a place for a 6-month-old. Take them to their grandparents' house and pick them up afterward.
But these first-time parents instead spend the entire Super Bowl party talking about how cute their daughter is and breastfeeding. And the baby always seems to start screaming bloody murder during booth review from the referee.
"Mr. SportsCenter" — This is the dude who doesn't follow sports but since he's at the Super Bowl party and his wife is there, it’s his duty and obligation to pretend to be sports fan for the day. He was the lead debater in high school and excelled in DECA.
Mr. SportsCenter can only regurgitate information obtained from lead stories in the news. He comes up with nothing on his own and only knows two players in the game — Tom Brady and Eli Manning. He will only say something within earshot of his wife and is easily intimidated by actual sports aficionados.
"Uncle Rico" — This is the high school hero who did a few cycles of steroids back in the early '90s, got zits on his back and led the team in tackles from his middle linebacker position. This guy blames his lack of scholarship offers after high school on coaches, no coverage in the local newspaper and injuries.
So after the actual Super Bowl, this 38-year-old is so fired up that he wants to legitimately go outside and play a game of tackle football. Get a life, "Uncle Rico."
"Fantasy Footballer" — This guy spends the entire Super Bowl talking about the players that were on his fantasy football team. He will especially go crazy if New England's Chad Ochocinco scores a touchdown.
"Wow, where was that production during the regular season? That bum I drafted in the third round didn't catch a single TD for my team, Fourth and Drunk."
"Al Bundy" — Not to be confused with the "Parents of the Year," this guy is completely mortified that his wife and kids came along with him. All this huge football fan wants to do is enjoy the Super Bowl. But that's impossible with his family in the building.
Because his wife is randomly talking to people around the party, this guy is forced to change a poopy diaper in the other room during the game-winning drive.
And the night usually ends with an awkward fight in front of the whole party between Al and Peg Bundy. Fun stuff.