Q: Mr. Federal Way, I saw that the Mirror’s publisher is leaving. I would imagine you had some kind of relationship with him, so what will you remember most?
A: Well, if Mr. Federal Way remembers the story correctly, Alcott is just leaving the paper. He’s staying with the publishing company, just off to a new gig. That makes Alcott a turncoat. It’s no surprise from a guy who has Indiana Hoosiers gear plastered all over his office but strolls into work wearing a Gonzaga sweater. I mean … really? And the guy roots for the Denver Broncos. You know, the same Denver Broncos who thought players like Tommy Maddox and Tim Tebow were Hall of Fame quarterbacks! A phenomenal quality about Alcott is his ability to manage money. He’s kept the Mirror in solid financial shape. It’s what happens when you pay your employees in expired ribbon candies and thank you’s. You always knew you wanted to go to events the Mirror was playing a big role in, such as town hall meeting or the Best of Federal Way event, because you knew Alcott was speaking. That means you knew you were going to be out of there in two minutes — or less. In all seriousness, though, you’d be hard-pressed to find a better guy in this city than Rudi (yeah, we’re on a first-name basis). He’s a guy who would make the time to talk to you when he really didn’t have the time. And he’d greet you with a warm handshake and always keep eye contact with you. He cares deeply for the Mirror, and that has never wavered. The city of Federal Way needs a generic Hall of Fame just so we can make Alcott the lone inductee. Alcott always tells Mr. Federal Way and his employees to “not screw it up.”
Mr. Federal Way would like to send a warm congratulations and good luck to Rudi. Mr. Federal Way wishes nothing but success to Alcott. More importantly, Mr. Federal Way hopes the new publisher knows the enormous shoes he or she will have to fill. Whomever they may be, Mr. Federal Way says: Don’t screw up the legacy.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, are you surprised Publisher Rudi Alcott was given the Key to the City on Tuesday? As a critic of past Key to the City recipients, do you feel this one is justified?
A: Giving the key to the city, a key that opens literally nothing, is about as justified as the rebooting of “Full House.” Sure, Alcott did that sand castle event and hosts political debates every year, but what does this honor really mean? Mr. Federal Way thinks it’s Ferrell’s last attempt at peace with a guy who ran a publication that called out the mayor’s crap weekly. Have Alcott call Mr. Federal Way as soon as his fancy key can open a vault to a bank.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, will you miss Alcott?
A: None of your business.
Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email firstname.lastname@example.org. Staff produced.