Presidential apathy and sports availability | Q&A with Mr. Federal Way

Q: Mr. Federal Way, you haven't really said anything about the presidential race. What gives? You have an opinion on everything else, but not the biggest issue of the year?

Q: Mr. Federal Way, you haven’t really said anything about the presidential race. What gives? You have an opinion on everything else, but not the biggest issue of the year?

A: Mr. Federal Way has some opinions on the people running to be the next commander in chief of this great country, but they’re frankly pretty far down on his priority list.

You see, Mr. Federal Way can assemble enough half-forgotten snippets of “Schoolhouse Rock!” videos to form a fairly clear recollection that the presidency is far less impactful on our day-to-day lives than our local government’s activities are. Sure, who the president is matters in Federal Way if things go absolutely udders-up: if we get so deep into another poorly thought-out war for questionable reasons that the draft is reinstated, or if riots break out and get so squirrelly that the feds send in the clear-shield-wielding peacekeeping force. If some other seismic event unfolds to the point that only a strong, singular entity can respond — then yeah, I guess it matters whether our president is Jim “Remember Me?” Webb or George “You Don’t Remember Me” Pataki.

Before that, however, while udders are still correctly pointed toward the ground, Mr. Federal Way’s life is going to be far more affected by his City Council members, state representatives, and even school board members. Heck, the president has far less immediate impact on our lives than even our Sound Transit 3-approving King County Council members.

In other words, good on ya for knowing who you’re going to vote for in the presidential election. But you lose pretty much all the points you just earned if you aren’t sure yet who you like in your District 30 state House of Representatives race.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, baseball is a snoozefest but there’s nothing else on. How should we kill time during the dog days of summer?

A: Mr. Federal Way is with you in feeling a little confused as to how he’s supposed to tune out in front of the tube. We’re two months away from the Seahawks playing, which is an eternity when you’ve gotten used to the on-demand gratification of the internet era. The Mariners — even if you, like Mr. Federal Way, somehow enjoy watching a game that’s best described as “three hours of waiting for something to happen” — have returned to their rightful place as not awful enough for humor but not good enough for entertainment. The Sonics are, news flash, still gone, but at least the ghost of the franchise just lost its head to the Golden State Warriors (on a related note, the big-name NBA player moves this year have involved Kevin Durant, Dwyane Wade, Derrick Rose, Pau Gasol, Rajon Rondo and Dwight Howard, and Ray Allen is making headlines because he may sign with a team as well. Apparently, it is 2011 right now).

There’s Seattle Sounders soccer/futbol/kickygoal/whatever, but this is still America and we still don’t care about it. There’s also the WNBA and its Seattle Storm, but that team’s play is making the Mariners look like ultra-competitive winners.

So Mr. Federal Way isn’t really sure. He’s given to understand that Netflix is resurrecting “The Gilmore Girls,” so there’s that, and if that show can be half as good as the reboot of “Full House” then we may actually have something to riot about. I mean, we, as a culture, can stumble into brilliance like “Breaking Bad” and “Game of Thrones” and still churn out garbage like “Fuller House”? Send in the clear-shield-wielding peacekeeping force to crack some TV-writer skulls.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, are you excited for the July 9 opening of Town Square Park?

A: None of your business.

Got something for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.