Parenting and blog ‘competition’ | Q&A with Mr. Federal Way

Q: Mr. Federal Way, I was looking for something to do and I stumbled across www.fwtodolist.org. It's a blog with podcasts. Think the Federal Way Mirror finally has some competition?

Q: Mr. Federal Way, I was looking for something to do and I stumbled across www.fwtodolist.org. It’s a blog with podcasts. Think the Federal Way Mirror finally has some competition?

A: Mr. Federal Way is well aware of this blog run by two related people – how cute. And while the duo may have up-to-date lists and calendars with a few podcasts sprinkled throughout, Federal Wayans shouldn’t put down the Mirror just yet. Does the blog have actual news about Federal Way? Sure, events are fun, but it’s severely lacking information of substance. A newsroom, news content and the means to publish said content is vital for the success of democracy. Mirror staff worked themselves ugly covering the murders that plagued the city in one week. They report on council meetings, local sports, school board meetings, and even an occasional South King Fire and Rescue meeting. The public’s opinion is represented in letters to the editor and through online comments, and there’s business, community, and diversity sections.

The Mirror definitely reflects the community, good and bad. What truth would there be if the Mirror only focused on rainbows and butterflies?

Plus, that little “to do list” doesn’t have the most important contribution to the Federal Way Mirror – Mr. Federal Way.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, what do you think about the woman who let her kid fall into the gorilla pit at the Cincinnati Zoo?

A: First of all, “let her kid fall into the gorilla pit” is a bit presumptuous. Anyone who’s been a parent longer than 10 minutes knows that the road to parenthood is paved with good intentions. It’s easy, in pre-parenthood, to have grandiose ideas of how you’ll teach, discipline, mold, and raise a brood of beautiful, obedient offspring in a fashion that would make the von Trapps look like negligent monsters. But you learn pretty fast that the little bulldog-faced creature have agendas of their own from the get-go. Have you ever actually met an infant?

Children have a mind of their own from the time they develop their stumpy little limbs in the womb. I can only imagine the bodily injury Mr. Federal Way would sustain if he asked Mrs. Federal Way, “Hey, why are you letting that tiny nutrient leech use your bladder as a trampoline?” during a long car trip over Snoqualmie Pass in her eighth month of pregnancy. Instead, Mr. Federal Way dutifully stopped at every rest stop, gas station, and Honey Pot along I-90. Too bad we didn’t do a better job of disciplining the fetus in utero, right?

Some might say that, had Mr. and Mrs. Federal Way done a better job of parenting from conception, then their insatiable little moneysuckers wouldn’t have been able to escape from Mr. Federal Way at Home Depot during a weed-eater shopping extravaganza. One minute the tyke was following along behind as Mr. Federal Way read horsepower specs and examined attachment options; the next minute those chubby little 4-year-old legs – which we’d purposefully taught her to use just a few years before – trotted right around the corner. It took no longer than it takes to read “spring-assisted starter rope.” The incorrigible little demon had made up her mind and acted on it. People might ask – and trust me, Mrs. Federal Way did – “Why weren’t you watching her more closely?!” We were at Home Depot, for Saturn’s sake! We weren’t hiking along the edge of the Grand Canyon during an earthquake or star-gazing from the roof of our two-story house during a lightning storm!

I’m sure the last thing on Zoo Mom’s mind was calculating the probability that her kid would decide to scale the zoo exhibit’s boundaries, or that it would even be possible. Mrs. Federal Way has a library of parenting books, and they’re full of warnings about artificial sweeteners, antibiotics, bullying, vaccinations, milk, day care, lakes, playgrounds, charter schools, swing sets, trick-or-treating, the internet, and non-flame-retardant pajamas. Not a single mention of gorillas. In captivity. At the zoo.

In Mr. Federal Way’s opinion, this was a perfect storm of unfortunate circumstances very similar to the time Mr. Federal Way happened to change the radio station in Mrs. Federal Way’s new car while approaching a stop light. The safety-conscious person in the 15-year-old Subaru in front of Mr. Federal Way, who probably doesn’t even visit zoos due to some actionless outrage over imagined animal cruelty issues, slammed on their brakes as the light turned yellow. Even with Mr. Federal Way’s cat-like ninja reflexes, contact with the Subaru was unavoidable. Oops. Sorry about the “Kucinich ’08” bumper sticker I probably tore.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. If you disagree, I’m happy to drop a couple of needy, squalling, hairless spider monkeys off at your house along with a season pass to Wild Waves and enough money for cotton candy and Mountain Dew. Give it a whirl. I dare you.

In the meantime, take it easy on Zoo Mom.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, who do you like in the NBA Finals?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.