Q: Mr. Federal Way, my daughter graduated from high school on Saturday. What’s your advice for Federal Way’s 2016 graduating class?
A: Aside from the typical advice – establishing a career/college plan, creating a budget, networking, knowing your resources, and saying “‘yes” to new opportunities – Mr. Federal Way has some more practical pointers for Generation Z.
1. Put down your phone. Mr. Federal Way knows that you will “just die” if you miss Jessica’s Snapchat story, but there’s something to be said about living in the moment and not thinking about taking the perfect photo for Instagram, writing the wittiest Tweet or penning the most profound Facebook post. There’s a huge world out there that shouldn’t be seen through a filter, a lens or on the Internet. The world is tangible and will give you much more if you embrace it with every sense.
2. Read print books (and news, and columns). Clearly, Mr. Federal Way is biased. Print media is something that is strong locally, but there’s no denying e-books, online news and blogs are at the forefront of this forever-changing Information Age. Because marketers have dubbed Generation Z “screen addicts” with very little attention, it’s important to realize professors use books for teaching and the media utilizes print for hyper-local coverage (which helps draw in advertising to support a local business). Also, there’s something about holding a tangible product that you can keep or throw away.
3. Declare your intentions. Be honest and fearless about what you want and what you plan to do. Mr. Federal Way may be anonymous, but he isn’t a liar and he only talks out of one side of his mouth. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Don’t distort facts to elevate your status or steal short-term victories at the expense of long-term results. Make it plain what you believe and mean it when you act on those beliefs; being forthright and clear in a world of fake viral marketing campaigns and dog-whistle messaging will go an awful long way. Be honest and direct about your intentions. Be like Mr. Federal Way.
4. Rise above violence. It pains Mr. Federal Way to say this, but given the tragedies our fair city has faced this year – with youth or young adulthood as the prevailing factor – it has to be said. Kids, prison is not a target to aim for. Having a reputation for being feared is a poor substitute for having a reputation that’s respected. Anyone can kill a man; it doesn’t make you “real.” Mr. Federal Way understands – sometimes people are put in deplorable situations with horrible family life or they’re forced to figure it out on their own, but Mr. Federal Way promises that clearing life’s hurdles and following your dreams feels better than any temporary fix or stand-in “family.” Inner-strength is hard to muster up, but it’s worth it.
5. Money isn’t everything, but… Parents of Millennials told their kids that they could be anything they wanted to be and do anything they wanted to do – the sky is the limit. But it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to realize that competition out there is fierce, that a sentiment like that is just plain unrealistic. Sure, keep your head held high and shoot for the stars, but don’t be surprised that your Bachelor of Arts in creative writing, art history or journalism (ha!) isn’t going to afford you a yacht for Seafair weekend or a summer cabin on Lake Chelan. Be prepared and know fully what you’re getting yourself into. Also, despite the education system’s constant harping on creating a college or career plan, please, please don’t block out other opportunities or be discouraged if your “plan” doesn’t go according to… well, according to plan. Life is full of surprises. You’re not a failure if you take a different path from the one you mapped out.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, I noticed on Facebook you had a birthday last week. How ironic is it that you turned 50 years old on June 6, 2016? Something tells me this isn’t your real birthday.
A: That thing still exists? Count making a Facebook as Mr. Federal Way’s lone, terrible mistake. But fine, you caught Mr. Federal Way in the act: June 6, 1966, isn’t Mr. Federal Way’s birthday. Still, Mr. Federal Way was pretty flattered that a thunderous throng of his “friends” – five people total – said happy birthday. That throng, to be clear, was made up of two staff members from the Mirror, one regular contributor to the Mirror, one hanger-on who’s desperate to be on Mr. Federal Way’s good side, and the other – well, Mr. Federal Way has no idea who she is.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, what are you planning on doing for Father’s Day?
A: None of your business.
Got something for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.
