Q: Mr. Federal Way, I live not far from the former Weyerhaeuser campus and am opposed to the seafood processing plant on 19 acres of that property. I have a neighbor, not far from me, who’s also expressed their thoughts with a sign in their yard that says “NO SEAFOOD PLANT.” But I want your thoughts on this, and I’m wondering if there are other locals that feel the way my neighbor and I do.

A: Mr. Federal Way suspects you’ve never appreciated a quality salmon-skin roll.

But in seriousness, this one’s a tough nut to crack. Federal Wayans really have two ways to respond to it: with the practical approach and with the emotional approach.

The practical side of Mr. Federal Way, which is not Mr. Federal Way’s best side, says the fish plant isn’t an entirely terrible thing. The fact is, any type of plant, be it scaly or lumbery or computer-chip-y, can put some of the down-on-their-luck residents of our fair city back to work. It looks like the new, perhaps-pungent business will create around 275 new jobs. So Mr. Federal Way gets it. A bunch of folks were hoping for a college campus or some business that would provide middle- to upper-income jobs, but a job, for may folks, is a job. And so, proving that even Mr. Federal Way can occasionally appreciate the songs coming up from below his mountaintop cave and have his withered heart grow three times its normal size, he’ll say that he actually agrees with Mayor Jim Ferrell when hizzoner sings about the fishy firm’s move-in being a positive development. There are certain tax benefits, after all, and Mr. Federal Way needs as many of those as he can get. It’ll help finance his future charitable acts, like maybe giving Christmas back to those insufferable squirts in Whoville.

On the other hand, Mr. Federal Way knows that this is a decision that will set our fair city back. The area surrounding the Weyerhaeuser compound is pretty. Real pretty. And it’s looking like it’ll soon stink like a two-day-old fish in the sun. Also, if something like a fish plant was not originally in the plan as far as aesthetics go for the city, why didn’t city officials fight harder to prevent this from happening? And what does the warehouse part of the plant mean when it comes to traffic, with all the trucks and service personnel going to and fro? Mr. Federal Way already considers driving around town to be barely more convenient than getting around by hitching a ride in the back of a flatbed hauling decayed fish heads. He’ll think about putting up his own all-caps yard sign.

This whole thing sounds good on a very thin surface. New business and new opportunity means new attention on the city. However, like Ma Federal Way always used to say: If it raises more questions than answers, it’s probably not the best idea.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, what was your impression of the Seahawks after their first preseason game?

A: It’s too early for Mr. Federal Way to offer his expert, six-figure opinion, but from his palatial mountaintop cave, Mr. Federal Way saw an offensive line that’s going to make him burn right through his best — and worst — beer at a record pace. Also, it looks like that Trevone Boykin kid is onto something, so kudos to the Osprey for picking him up. The Google says Boykin is also a fan of the demon rum and likes to play tag with police officers. If he can just find a nice couch to sit on, get a quality Netflix queue booted up, and stick to throwing footballs at receivers instead of throwing punches at badges, Seattle might have found itself a diamond in the rough.

And, Mr. Federal Way wants to know why the ageless Steven Hauschka never gets attention. The man is older than Mr. Federal Way and kicks the football like no other. I get that there’s next to no physical contact at the kicker position, but the man converted 93 percent of his chances and gave the Seahawks 127 of their points last season. He converted 18 points from 50 yards or more last year! The guy’s foot is golden. It deserves a locker room of its own. What the man needs is a pop star singer to find him attractive: If that’s what it’s going to take to get you all to start talking about him as a leader of the ‘Hawks, then Mr. Federal Way would like to offer his services as the first member of the search committee. #GetHauschkaAPopStar

Q: Mr. Federal Way, are you doing anything for Labor Day?

A: None of your business.

Got something for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.