Q: Mr. Federal Way, I keep hearing Federal Way is the most racially diverse city in Washington, but I’ve yet to hear of real numbers. Is this true?
A: Good ol’ WalletHub has the answer (forget the Census. That thing isn’t updated, anyway). According to this dink of a study, WalletHub’s “most and least culturally diverse cities” indicates Federal Way ranks No. 34 overall in cultural diversity when compared with 501 cities across the country. We ranked ninth, however, among small cities. That’s saying a lot. But, upon further investigation, it appears Kent ranked higher, overall, coming in at No. 10, and Renton at No. 24 for cultural diversity. Jersey City in New Jersey won, with three cities in Maryland following. So, to answer your question, good sir, no: We are not the most diverse city in Washington – we are third. WalletHub took it to another level by judging a city’s ethnoracial, linguistic and birthplace diversity (Huh?). Federal Way ranked 26th for ethnoracial, 75th for linguistic and 77th for birthplace diversity (Mr. Federal Way is still scratching his head on that last one). Kent and Renton beat us in ethnoracial and linguistic but not birthplace diversity, so, Mr. Federal Way guesses we have that over them. Too bad Seattle is ranked 30th in that category. But, uh, if someone could tell Mr. Federal Way what birthplace diversity is, that’d be great. Until then, stop claiming the fame if it ain’t true.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, did you and Mrs. Federal Way watch the Oscars on Sunday, and did you watch it all the way to the end and witness the epic flub for Best Picture?
A: This was actually a glorious moment for Hollywood and Mr. Federal Way you Negative Nancy. This Oscars moment allowed Mr. Federal Way to experience what it is like to win a major sports championship! Why you ask? Because this La La Land/Moonlight moment officially vindicates the BEAUTIFUL Marisa Tomei. Man, she’s still in Mr. Federal Way’s top five women he’d trade Mrs. Federal Way for – er – Mr. Federal Way appreciates Ms. Tomei’s artistic talent and nothing more. This moment was destined to happen. It had to happen in order to FINALLY get her off the hook from that moment in 1993. You know, the one where there was a whole to-do because that old fart Jack Palance couldn’t actually read the name on the envelope! The event that took place this year was very similar. All it proves is Hollywood actors apparently can’t read, yet they’re paid to read scripts. Let’s all take a moment to be happy and celebrate Marisa Tomei finally getting out of the dog house. Let’s also admit that “My Cousin Vinny” is a WAAAY better movie than Blah Blah Land.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, what was your favorite Oscar-nominated movie from this past year?
A: A film called None Of Your Business.
Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email firstname.lastname@example.org. Staff produced.