Q: Mr. Federal Way, I heard a rumor that Thomas Jefferson High School was threatened by something involving clowns but the school didn’t go on lockdown. There were lockdowns at two other schools that same day though. Is this connected?

A: Last time Mr. Federal Way checked, sensationalistic internet clown threats popping up across the country are a little different than, you know, an actual student bringing a real, live, stolen handgun to school. The only similarity between those two scenarios is they happened on the same day. They’re not connected – breathe deep, parental units.

But it only takes one school to brush off a stupid fake clown threat and have the threat end up being real. Then the blame game begins. Then lawyers get called, ringleaders get subpoenaed, and police start rounding up every clown they can find to bring in for questioning (luckily, getting every clown in town to jail would only require one squad car). Happily, Federal Way Public Schools covered their booties by emailing parents about the “threat” (although telling folks about a clown threat will just give the more helicopter-y parents with vivid imaginations some new ideas on worrying about their snowflakes. Let’s all wait and see if absenteeism for clown-related worry goes up this October).

Mr. Federal Way asked why clown chaos and big-top terror wasn’t on the Mirror’s website. The news folks looked at Mr. Federal Way like the security resource officer who saw a clown sitting in a car at Tahoma High School (seriously, Google it).

Mirror staff grudgingly sent Mr. Federal Way the district’s email:

“Student safety is our number one priority. On Oct., 3, Thomas Jefferson High School became aware of rumors circulating on social media of clowns making threats. Social media accounts of clowns making threats on schools have been spreading fear on social media for several weeks in other parts of the country.

Our district’s Safety and Security Director and local law enforcement are aware and addressing the situation. Federal Way Public Schools is thoroughly investigating and taking any and all threats seriously. We are working in tight partnership with local law enforcement, including the King County Sheriff’s Office and Federal Way Police Department, to formulate a strategy to respond to these threats.

Parents of Thomas Jefferson High School students were notified of our awareness and response to these threats in an email communication on Monday, Oct. 3. The district will continue to communicate with parents our commitment to address these threats and respond accordingly to ensure our students’ and staff’s safety is of utmost importance.”

So, there ya go folks. Mr. Federal Way is no longer the scariest anonymous figure around town. Or, probably, the funniest.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, I think I saw you at the Chamber’s candidate forum. Were you there? What did you think of the candidates?

A: Mark Greene and Hizzoner Jim Ferrell set the bar pretty high at the candidate forum in August 2015. Mr. Federal Way just hasn’t enjoyed a candidate forum since. They’re all so… predictable.

Does the public care you were a U.S. Fulbright scholar, Mike Pellicciotti? Mr. Federal Way was the reigning Keg Stand Champion back in the day and you don’t see him bragging about it. And what about his opponent Linda Kochmar? For as many years in public service as she’s had, Kochmar seemed nervous and distracted, likely worried that He-Man would arrive at any moment for a battle with Skeletor. Or maybe it was the clowns.

Newb 2.0, Rep. Teri Hickel, actually seemed prepared this time, but she still managed to get in her trademark flakiness – asking “not to go first this time” after drawing No. 1 for the candidate speaking order and not understanding a very confusing question (that, to be fair, nobody understood) but drew attention to herself by questioning it. Mr. Federal Way thought Reeves was pleasant, articulate and put together until realizing she used all those qualities to say absolutely nothing. Pleasant, comforting nothing. She’s the air-freshener candidate.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, what are you going to do during the bye week?

A: None of your business.

Got something for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.