Q: Mr. Federal Way, the Mirror ran a letter that suggested changing the city’s name instead of creating a new logo. Could you imagine being someone other than Mr. Federal Way?
A: Believe it or not, Mr. Federal Way’s real last name is not “Federal Way.”
But in the non-literal sense, no, Mr. Federal Way cannot imagine taking on the moniker Mr. Star Lake, Mr. Steel Lake or Mr. Buenna. They all sound too … ahh, what’s the word kids these days keep saying … oh, right, “bougie.” Slang for “aspiring to be a higher class than one is.”
Mr. Federal Way likes the comment some guy wrote about a March 6 letter to the editor addressing this very topic.
“You can change the name of a hamburger to burger … regardless … it’s still a piece of cooked cow between two pieces of baked dough. It isn’t going to change anything. Federal Way is still a place with people, crime, traffic problems. It isn’t going away just because you decide to change the name. (Shaking my head) …”
There you have it, folks. You could do all the research in the world to come up with the perfect name – one that symbolizes all the great stuff in Federal Way – but a name change won’t take away the bad stuff. Plus, it would cost a lot more than a new logo. Nope, only people can “make Federal Way great again.”
Mr. Federal Way can’t imagine how much it would cost to buy new people.
But here’s another thought: Does Federal Way really need a new name, logo or set of people, for that matter?
What happened to making do with what ya got? Mr. Federal Way thinks there needs to be more work on looking inward and figuring out ways to help current residents succeed. Then, only then, will “Felony Way” no longer be a funny epithet for Federal Way.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, will you ever reveal your identity?
A: Do you really think Mr. Federal Way could give in that easily?
This, my friends, is a well-crafted anonymous column, one that has taken years to perfect. Kind of like great wine.
But Mr. Federal Way will give you a few hints as to his identity:
Mr. Federal Way grew up in Federal Way until moving to Yelm, Washington, with his mom, twin brother and other siblings.
After graduating from Yelm High School (go Tornadoes!) in 1985, Mr. Federal Way spent his college days as an outside linebacker for the University of Washington Huskies, playing under the legendary head coach Don James, as he studied political science. But Mr. Federal Way didn’t make the NFL, so Mr. Federal Way turned in his Huskies jersey to support a different kind of canine – Gonzaga’s Spike the Bulldog. There, Mr. Federal Way earned his law degree and rubbed elbows with George H. W. Bush’s people, Pete von Reichbauer and Ray Schow.
Mr. Federal Way was a prosecutor for over 20 years, but putting people away got tiring, so he decided to dedicate himself full time to a life in politics. This was the same time he began to settle into his role as this columnist for the Federal Way Mirror.
Ironically, Mr. Federal Way’s twin brother was building his career in broadcast journalism and helped a great deal with Mr. Federal Way’s early columns.
Mr. and Mrs. Federal Way have a son who is a student in the Federal Way school district.
On the weekends, Mr. Federal Way enjoys visiting Town Square Park, figuring out who is impersonating him on Facebook and attending retirement parties for good pals, like retired Assistant Fire Chief Ed Plumlee.
April Fools! Ten points for Gryffindor if you can guess who that really is.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, do you take your shoe off when you put your foot in your mouth, as you do so often?
A: None of your business.
Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email firstname.lastname@example.org. Staff produced.