Q: Mr. Federal Way, the City Council just approved a new logo for Federal Way. Do you think this is a good use of funds?
A: Mr. Federal Way can think of 100 better ways to spend a whopping $62,000. Like Mr. Federal Way’s salary for one year, for instance. How about a new police vehicle or, for that matter, a year’s salary for one officer? Sure, a new brand can make a difference in competition, but Mr. Federal Way thinks the city should figure out their budget problems before spending money that could be better spent elsewhere. Also, and Mr. Federal Way loves this: The City Council recently voted to do away with a plan for a transportation benefit districts, which would have freed up operations funds to hire more cops. City officials did it to save money for folks, but then threw away 60 big ones on a logo that barely speaks to Federal Way as a city. First, the logo could be mistaken for clip art made in Microsoft Publisher. Second, its red, white and blue color, flag and mountain hardly screams Federal Way or “centered on opportunity,” the tagline underneath. A logo is supposed to complement a city’s brand — the reputation its trying to establish. While the council’s intent was to honor veterans and the military through the use of patriotism, that is only one segment of the community, and that message, while admirable is hardly unique to this city. What about that shouts, “This is Federal Way?” And the mountain? Several neighboring communities have just as excellent a view of Mount Rainier as Federal Way. Plus, while it’s all good to create a logo to go along with a new image for the city, how many people are actually going to pay attention to what is painted on city vehicles or printed on flags. Mr. Federal Way hardly thinks about how great a logo on that police car looks when receiving a ticket. Sad to say, but homeless people on the streets, destitute and without opportunities, and trash littering the sides of roads will do more to form people’s opinions of Federal Way than what is stamped on official city stationery. But, hey, Mr. Federal Way is all in favor of taking the path of least resistance.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, what do you think will change at the Mirror now that the publisher is gone?
A: What, like Mr. Federal Way getting paid more than negative 9 cents an hour? Fat chance. Here’s Mr. Federal Way’s take: Not much is going to change. Mr. Federal Way is going to continue to be his philanthropic self, writing his columns out of the goodness of his heart in his same charming, self-deprecating way, kowtowing to government and public officials and their shenanigans, as usual.
Eventually, a new publisher will be hired, and, undoubtedly, Mr. Federal Way will continue to be paid in elephant fodder, and business will continue, as usual. Oh, with Alcott gone and no longer here to keep certain columnists on the straight and narrow, Mr. Federal Way will likely start to employ the usual methods of gathering information — you know, microwaves and black helicopters. Mr. Federal Way is still working on a way to wire-tap hairdryers and dog collars for personal use, but, thus far, nobody will let Mr. Federal Way in their bathrooms or around their pets. Maybe Mrs. Federal Way will have more luck. If not, it’s back to the drawing board.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, who are you rooting for in March Madness?
A: None of your business.
Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email firstname.lastname@example.org. Staff produced.