Q. Mr. Federal Way, did you attend the Federal Way Mirror’s candidate forum Oct. 11, and what did you think of the questions asked and candidates’ answers?
A. No! Mr. Federal Way doesn’t dare attend crowded public events, where his prominent nose and lingering body odor would undoubtedly reveal his identity to the masses, thus attracting paparazzi and autograph-seekers. Mr. Federal Way did watch the Mirror’s live recording on Facebook from the comfort of his recliner and feels informed enough to give an opinion, although that is not a prerequisite for sharing. So, to answer your second question, Mr. Federal Way thinks all the questions asked were thoughtful and pertinent, exceeding Mr. Federal Way’s expectations, as well as some of the responses given.
Mr. Federal Way must admit his favorite question asked candidates whether their opponents would bring anything to the council that they wouldn’t, presumably by way of qualities, values or background experience.
The answers were less than revelatory, however, at least among the council candidates, all of whom extolled the wonderful qualities of their opponents — how smart, active, caring, well-dressed, blah, blah, blah — before segueing into what THEY would bring to the council, leaving it to the audience to draw their own conclusions as to who was actually the superior person.
Just once, Mr. Federal Way would like to hear a person say an opponent is mean to little old ladies and puppies, flunked 10th-grade economics, doesn’t pick up after their dog, doesn’t leave tips, jaywalks, regularly cheats at “Go Fish” and picks their nose. The opponent would then be forced to accuse the other of colluding with Renton to fix the election by way of illegal email accounts and encrypted emojis, after which the media would be blamed for everything.
But, back to the candidate forum: When posed the same question, the mayoral candidates’ responses were much more interesting. Challenger Susie Honda muttered the prerequisite platitude about Mayor Ferrell before Susie outright stated why she would be a better mayor. She stopped short of throwing Jimmy under any of the buses regularly traversing 320th Street, however, probably missing a prime opportunity. Mayor Jimmy, on the other hand, was all good humor and affectionate accolades, even saying that he “loves” Susie. While some people who prefer to call a spade a spade and a politician a politician might call B.S. and accuse Jimmy of flat-out lying, Mr. Federal Way prefers to think of it as political hyperbole at its best — the grandest of all embroidered embellishments. Because by saying that he “loved” dear old Susan, what Jimmy really meant was “barely tolerated,” and in the world of politics and diplomacy, one is easily mistaken for the other. But, sticking to the question he was given, Mayor Jimmy went on to say that Honda always asks the best questions. Not only that, but he always preps for meetings by first anticipating the questions Susie is likely to throw his way, which is fancy political speak for “tries to guess how she will torment him that night and come up with a counter-strategy.”
For his part, Mr. Federal Way thinks this is a great offensive plan on Susie’s part. Not only does this make for great entertainment, but what’s wrong with making sure Mayor Jimmy can “tiptoe through the tulips” with the best of them? That’s politics.
Q. Mr. Federal Way, what are you dressing up as for Halloween?
A. None of your business.
This column is staff produced. Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email firstname.lastname@example.org.