Q: Mr. Federal Way, the city held its annual Best of Federal Way event on March 8. Did you have a chance to stop by the Community Center and check it out?
A: Do you not keep up with the news? Judging by the quality of this question, Mr. Federal Way is going to assume that’s a no. Well, here’s a news flash: With the norovirus consuming the state faster than Birkenstock store fronts, Mr. Federal Way wasn’t about to be caught in that germ-infested cesspool. On a serious note, it’s a fantastic event that the Mirror and the Publisher Formally Known As Alcott put on each year. It promotes good things for the Federal Way community and all of its local businesses. A source did tell Mr. Federal Way that even Jimmy Ferrell crawled out of the election-planning bat cave to make an appearance (he does every year … but still). The source told Mr. Federal Way, he even put on a fancy suit. As for Mr. Federal Way, that’s just too many people in one small, confined space. Yuck. Mr. Federal Way often shows his appreciation for the smaller, local spots on the weekends. Sure, you can honor these folks with awards, and you should, but, the best way to show them thanks and appreciation is to line their registers with as much of your monies as you can so that we may keep local sanctuaries like Jack Walsh and Sub Zero Ice Cream around for many generations.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, what is going on with our sports teams? First, the Seahawks let our beloved Steven Houska go to Buffalo. Now Richard Sherman is on his way out, and the Huskies got rid of Lorenzo Romar. Is it panic time or what?
A: Did Jack panic when the Titanic was sinking? Did Dutch panic when the Predator was picking his men off one by one? The answer to these questions are absolutely not. Just like the answer to your second question is unequivocally … No. Let’s start with No. 2. Losing a successful fan favorite is tough. Some call it heartbreaking. But those are the people who don’t understand sports as a business. The Hawks made what they thought was a solid business decision for the franchise. General Manager John Schneider feels that Blair Walsh, or, as Mr. Federal Way knows him, Brick Walsh (brick like a miss, not a solid, sturdy object), was the right move. He might have some hefty blinders on, but who doesn’t from time to time? For Sherman, it’s different. He’s no different than great football players like Brett Favre and Deon Sanders. All three have one thing in common: They couldn’t come to terms that they just couldn’t be what made them famous at the end of their career. Mr. Federal Way thinks it’s the only reason Sherman is making a bigger spectacle of himself off the field than on it. Some know when it’s time to walk away graciously. Others, like Sherman, have to make a show of it and go kicking and screaming. Like Sherman, Romar has reached the ceiling at Washington, and it was time for him to go. But Mike Hopkins as a replacement? It’s a bad choice. Especially when the school spoke with names like Steve Lavin and Eric Musselman — two far better candidates. The Huskies panicked, made the quick hire instead of the right one, and they’ll pay the price for it.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, how’s your March Madness bracket?
A: None of your business.
Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email firstname.lastname@example.org. Staff produced.