Back to school and PAEC beam-signing | Q&A with Mr. Federal Way

Q: Mr. Federal Way, do you have kids? If so, are they about ready to go back to school?

Q: Mr. Federal Way, do you have kids? If so, are they about ready to go back to school?

A: Mr. Federal Way has, indeed, passed his superior genes to the future leaders of the next generation, so be on the lookout for some brilliant, charismatic, insightful and inspiring candidates for president in the next couple decades. You’ll know who I’m talking about, since by then the feeling of having a presidential candidate you proudly vote for will feel like a novel experience you’d forgotten you could have.

Anyway, Mr. Federal Way is sending the kids back to school the way any self-respecting parent would: with a lush and elaborate fete featuring a Hannibal-esque number of elephants, seven vestal virgins riding seven white tigers and holding aloft the chosen children’s school supplies on golden plates, and an appearance by the reformed ’80s rock superstars the Scorpions. It’ll be a treat. It’ll rock you like a hurricane.

Actually, Mr. Federal Way will toss the stuff from the please-bring-us-classroom-supplies-we-can’t-afford-them list into a backpack, slap together a sack lunch that looks healthy but probably isn’t, and wish his spawn a good day. Going back to school can be an ordeal and it can send your little ones for a spin, but it’s something they have to do and in the history of kids not wanting to go back to school – all of it – said kids almost always get over their anxieties and promptly fall into the swing of things. School’s a routine, and kids are all about that. Maybe Mr. Federal Way’s advice is only applicable to him, since the perfect and awesome DNA continuers he calls his kids are so easy to raise compared to the dark-spawned hellions you squeezed out, but parents everywhere can probably just take a deep breath and safely assume the first day of school will be fine. Federal Way Public Schools has some pretty great teachers and campus staff around, and they’ll make sure your own genetic line gets to carry on throughout the school year. For better or worse.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, did you attend the Performing Arts and Event Center’s beam-signing ceremony?

A: Mr. Federal Way appreciates your shot at a joke, but he’d like to remind you that there’s only room in our fair city for one unfunny jester. And, sadly, Mark Greene is busy figuring out what statewide office he wants to run for next.

No, you third-rate Bill Hicks, Mr. Federal Way was not invited. That slight, however, puts him in some pretty exclusive company, as a whole bunch of people weren’t invited. Take a look at the photo of the luminaries who attended – they weren’t the only people who could be there, they were, for the most part, the only people who had any idea the ceremony was taking place. If Mr. Federal Way was one of the throngs of folks who’d worked his tail off and still takes crap for making that thing happen then he might be a little miffed.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, are you watching the Olympics?

A: None of your business.

Got something for Mr. Federal Way? Email your questions, complaints and hate mail to mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.