Q Mr. Federal Way, you’ve been slacking off in the column department, is your New Year’s resolution to regularly appear in the Mirror again?
A: Normally, Mr. Federal Way would tell you this is none of your business, but, it being the holidays and all, Mr. Federal Way is feeling magnanimous and will answer your highly personal question.
For the record, Mr. Federal Way has not been slacking off! Mr. Federal Way decided the old adage that “absence makes the heart grow fonder” needed to be subjected to the scientific method and went on sabbatical. If you don’t remember the scientific method from sixth-grade science, tough.
So, while all of you were pining away for this esteemed column, Mr. Federal Way was in New Zealand studying the cannibalistic eating habits of the eight-toed poison desert slug by way of China, where Mr. Federal Way’s plans of photographing the Chilean sea bat in its natural habitat were rudely foiled when he was thrown in jail for seven weeks after taking candy from a baby panda — ALLEGEDLY.
It was only after Mr. Federal Way was released on a technicality that he saw his 8 billion emails from Jessica Keller asking “editor” questions, such as how much longer the Mirror’s editorial pages would have to suffer without his column.
Readers should not worry about the future of this column, however. Even if Mr. Federal Way lightens his load as he completes his thesis on the future of yoga in Antarctica, rest assured he will continue to make appearances among these pages. Keller knows only Mr. Federal Way will work for peanuts and Christmas cards.
Speaking of New Year’s resolutions, here are a couple Mr. Federal Way has so graciously decided for others:
• For hizzoner Mayor Ferrell, Mr. Federal Way has decided Jimmy should stop reliving his glory days as a UW Husky — how many people don’t know he played football? — and start touting all his accomplishments he has made in Federal Way in the most flattering terms as possible … Oh wait. Nevermind. Well, then he should start planning for his future as a public official by setting his sights on government positions beyond Federal Way. No good? Fine. Mr. Federal Way gives up.
• The Federal Way City Council should continue its penchant for moratoriums by imposing them on the Seattle Freeze, rain and homelessness. That should do it.
• To promote the future wellness of all scholars, Federal Way Public Schools should add belly dancing and power knitting into its curriculum. Students really can’t have too many opportunities to expand their horizons.
• Speaking of expanding horizons, the Performing Arts and Event Center should reintroduce residents to the 1990s by hosting a grunge rock concert where people can get in for half off if they show up with unwashed hair and flannel shirts and a can of food.
• As well, Mirror columnist Bob Roegner, known for being a natty dresser, should resolve to break out of his comfort zone for a day by shedding his bespoke blazers and color-coordinated ties and socks in favor of a ratty T-shirt, holey jeans and well-worn sneakers. Then the Mirror should take his picture and put it on its Facebook page.
• Finally, Federal Way residents should become more vocal about the future of Federal Way by loudly advocating for more fast-food restaurants. The city simply does not have enough Subways or chicken joints.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, how did you and Mrs. Federal Way celebrate Christmas?
A: None of your business.
This column is staff produced. Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email firstname.lastname@example.org.