Opinion

Federal Way elects Siamese cat | Andy Hobbs

After a long and controversial campaign, Lilly will become Federal Way’s first elected mayor.

Lilly, a Siamese cat and political outsider, will take office April 1.

“The voters wanted a change from the status quo,” said Lilly, licking her paws while sitting on a heating vent. “I will be accessible and accountable to all citizens at all times, except when I’m sleeping under the bed, which is all day.”

As mayor, Lilly pledges to install a 2-acre sandbox at Celebration Park, then replace the community center’s rock-climbing wall with a giant scratch post. She favors mainstream consumption of feathers, bungee cord and this one plant in the kitchen. She supports a citywide ban on laser pointers, citing their “reckless disregard for feline sanity.”

As an advocate for animal control, Lilly vows to hiss at all strays on Federal Way streets, especially Bubba, a roaming tomcat who taunts her through the master bedroom window.

Political analysts praised Lilly’s common sense approach to shredding the living room furniture. Armed with a precious-sounding meow, Lilly could shift public opinion over regulation of empty cardboard boxes and territorial markings.

“Citizens have a God-given right to roll around or pee anywhere they choose,” said Lilly, feasting on chicken-flavored treats while a human strokes her white belly fur. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I must bite my roommate’s hand.”

Some residents could hardly contain their excitement over Federal Way’s new feline in chief.

“It was time for a change. We have too many professional politicians running this city,” said Ben Dover, a first-time voter. “Whoever said Federal Way voters are not capable of choosing a mayor should look at the results.”

Lilly’s opponent, a parrot named Macbeth, captured 49 percent of the vote. Macbeth was known for repeating populist rhetoric while offering few concrete solutions to local problems.

“Every election is like life itself,” Macbeth said. “It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

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Random thoughts in my noggin

• No death ever stopped the world, and for that matter, neither has any election.

• A man’s beard is like an elk’s antlers.

• The squeaky wheel gets the grease, but is also first in line for replacement.

• The deepest caverns are found in the mind.

• No one has ever written this sentence before: After eating this rubber phone, I’ll perform pro-bono brain surgeries on Federal Way School Board members while singing the theme song from “Happy Days” in Spanish, all in three minutes or less, or your pizza is free.

• I respect courage, even if I don’t agree with a particular action it fuels.

• Religion is like coffee for the soul. Some people like it strong, some like it every day, some like it plain, and some don’t like it at all.

• When meeting people who are considered powerful or influential, try to find the traits that make them human and ordinary.

• The Sphinx in Egypt has stood for thousands of years, outliving the civilization that carved it. The American equivalent will be Mount Rushmore.

• Those who jeer the dancer fail to hear the music.

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