Elected officials create Chernobyl meltdown | Q&A with Mr. Federal Way

Mr. Federal Way - File photo
Mr. Federal Way
— image credit: File photo

Q: What is the deal with all of our elected officials getting into trouble, leaving the state and now I hear the school board has even more issues? Can you shed some light on this?

A: Mr. Federal Way is always glad to help and is going to add to your frustration by pinning this on Lakehaven Utility District. After all, it must be their fault as they are clearly putting something in the water. How else is it possible that so many independent problems could occur at the same time?

The issues started with the South King Fire and Rescue (SKFR) chief having a ninth grade spat with his commissioner. Then school board member Tony Moore recently resigned after he was convicted of seven counts of felony theft. At the exact same time, Superintendent Rob Neu resigned to take a job in another state. On top of that, another school board member, Danny Peterson, is getting divorced by his wife due to his two concurrent affairs and mooning his mother-in-law, both of which he admitted to in court documents. Let that all sink in for a minute. No, not just the mooning part, all of it.

When Mr. Federal Way was younger, an accident in the Ukraine occurred wherein reactor number four at Chernobyl suffered a power increase that led to an explosion in its reactor core, creating a nuclear meltdown. Mr. Federal Way believes if you’re going to blow something up, why not go all in and just nuke it. Somewhat like what the school district is doing. Apparently great minds think alike and they are executing this same plan.

Perhaps Lakehaven should do the same as the Chernobyl scientists did and dump copious amounts of water on the situation to cool it off. But it didn’t work there and probably won’t here either.

Q: Where can I get a list of the summer road projects to see if I am going to get to work on time?

A: This is a great question and the crack investigative team of the Mirror once again comes to your aid. Go to this address: cityoffederalway.com/index.aspx?NID=234. This city web page lists all of the asphalt overlay projects from our two seasons in Federal Way — winter and road construction.

Good luck out there. Mr. Federal Way has already identified back routes to avoid the 320th project, which will be, dare to say, a Chernobyl-sized mess.

Q: Rumor has it that South King Fire and Rescue and Auburn’s fire district, Valley Regional Fire Authority, are going to merge. What’s up with this? Will I see a reduction in my taxes?

A: Mr. Federal Way consulted the omnipresent Magic 8 Ball and asked about the reduction in taxes. The answer was: Outlook not so good. Armed with this knowledge, the same crack crew that came up with the roads information did some digging and wouldn’t you know it, these two fire entities not only have discussed this, but in Mr. Federal Way’s opinion are well on their way to putting this on a ballot to ask you, the voters, whether this should become your reality.

The thing is, Mr. Federal Way can’t seem to figure out why this makes sense. Their early working  analysis worksheet shows no consolidation of units, buildings, staff or salaries. In fact, it adds to salaries. Huh? Then why merge? Granted, Mr. Federal Way didn’t finish at the top of his class in Economics 101, but gaining efficiencies like these are exactly why you do merge. You don’t merge to keep things the same.

Their overarching guiding principles, as they call them, actually state that there will be no harm done to employees, the local communities will maintain their identities and the new department will maintain, or enhance all operational efficiencies. It finishes with a statement that “if it makes sense, operationally and economically, then let’s get ‘er done!” Nice. Perhaps the chiefs are watching too much Larry the Cable Guy and we are going to need Prilosec, as they’re going to give us Chernobyl-sized indigestion.

Mr. Federal Way thinks there are political powers at play with this little merger and that we are being set up for another taxing authority and to be further set off from any chance of the cities of Auburn or Federal Way to ever take over these services to become a full-service city. Somebody is going to get rich off of this merger and it won’t be the taxpayer.

Mr. Federal Way is no comedian but to paraphrase Mr. Cable Guy, “One year the voters gave each of the two fire districts a mood ring. Them things work pretty good. When the districts are in a good mood it was blue and when the districts are in a bad mood it made a red mark upside the voter’s head.”

Q: My kids are trying to teach me a new language. What are all these LOL and ROFL? WT….

A: First of all, Mr. Federal Way had to clean up your question a bit. This is a community newspaper and the publisher is already skeptical enough about this column. A WT (minus the F) will only send him over the delicate edge he already lives on. Mr. Federal Way doesn’t get paid enough to have to deal with that Chernobyl-sized headache (like the theme here). That said, this is a great question.

These are referred to as net lingo so that today’s kids can be even more lazier and not have to actually type in longhand. That is so 2010. These acronyms refer to words that we, as adults, actually know. Consider it code for the words you used to say that drove your parents batty, such as “groovy,” ”what’s up doc,” and “like fer sure, gag me with a spoon.” For instance, LOL is laugh out loud. ROFL is rolling on the floor laughing. I’m guessing you can figure out what the WT one is. If not, ask your kid, but you may want to have a bar of soap handy.

So, if you get a text from your adolescent that goes something like this: 4COL 303 Im SOBT teaching U TXT (For crying out loud (4COL), mom (303), I’m stressed out big time (SOBT) teaching you (U) text (TXT)). Just respond by LY4E and ive CX YR allowance (Love you forever (LY4E) and I’ve canceled (CX) your (YR) allowance).

Q: What did you do for your mother on Mother’s Day?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com


We encourage an open exchange of ideas on this story's topic, but we ask you to follow our guidelines for respecting community standards. Personal attacks, inappropriate language, and off-topic comments may be removed, and comment privileges revoked, per our Terms of Use. Please see our FAQ if you have questions or concerns about using Facebook to comment.

Read the Oct 14
Green Edition

Browse the print edition page by page, including stories and ads.

Browse the archives.

Friends to Follow

View All Updates