Opinion

Mr. Federal Way

Mr. Federal Way - File photo
Mr. Federal Way
— image credit: File photo

Q: Mr. Federal Way, have you noticed that parents are coming up with stranger and stranger names for their kids?

A: Mr. Federal Way has noticed and Mr. Federal Way feels bad for the teachers who have to complete attendance in the mornings. It used to be only the "eccentric" Hollywood celebrities, who would come up with the strange names (see North, Prince, Apple, Jermajesty, Banjo or Pirate). But now it's the general population who are combining strange letter combinations into the spellings of their kid's names.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, am I the only one to notice that the photo in the Mirror beside the story about a Federal Way professional boxer being arrested for robbing several banks was of Vincent Thompson punching a guy named "Banks" in the face?

A: No, you were not the only one who noticed that ironic fact of irony. That is the first thing Mr. Federal Way noticed when Mr. Federal Way saw the story.

Vincent Gary Thompson, 31, was booked into Pierce County Jail on charges of robbery in the first degree on April 17. Thompson was arrested in connection with an April 7 robbery at a U.S. Bank in a Fredrickson Safeway store.

According to charging papers, Thompson" along with Robert Cal Adams, 31, Jeffrey D. Black, 27, and two juvenile males allegedly formed a bank robbery ring known as the "Buddy Bandits," which is believed to be responsible for six robberies in Pierce County, two in King County and one in Spokane County.

Q: Why is it that Federal Way drivers always feel the need to pull out in front of me and then drive slow?

A: Mr. Federal Way feels your pain and will take it a step further and guess that these drivers are also either in a Leaf or even worse a Prius. These are just golf carts with air conditioning and should be left on the course. In high school, Mr. Federal Way used to pick up chicks on a Puch moped.

It was likely faster than these two golf carts masquerading as cars and for sure more effective at picking up women. Cop cars have push bumpers. Mr. Federal Way suggests you install one as well on your car though this insight will be categorically denied should said cops or an insurance company come calling. One more thing. Mr. Federal Way can’t let this Prius/Leaf issue go that easily.

If you are one of these drivers, do yourself and the rest of us a favor and run this "vehicle" down to the local dealer and trade it in for a '57 Chevy or a '67 Fastback. Your male libido will thank you for this. You can then pull out in front of anyone you like as they will not be able to catch you.

And don't be getting all Seattley on Mr. Federal Way about being green conscious or environmental friendly. Mr. Federal Way will offset your carbon footprint by buying the kiddos their very own Puch so they can go the entire semester on two liters of petrol. Just here to help.

Consider this a public service announcement.

Q: With former Federal Way School Board President Tony Moore being a convicted felon, do you think the district will be investigated for shady business practices?

A: Mr. Federal Way doesn't know the answer to this question. Mr. Federal Way assumes that the only reason the district would be investigated for shady business practices is if somebody made some type of complaint of shady business practices.

Hopefully, Moore's felony conviction on seven counts of felony theft for stealing $150,000 worth of tires is an isolated incident and reflects only on Moore's personal business and has nothing to do with the Federal Way school district.

Like Mr. Federal Way wrote last week, Moore's seven felonies are more of an embarrassment to the district.

But, Mr. Federal Way is pretty sure that the Washington Office of the Superintendent of Public Instruction will have a closer eye on what's going on in Federal Way going forward. In the business world, if the president of a corporation is convicted of seven felonies, there would be plenty of questions about the company's finances.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, I don't like your column. When is it going to end?

A: None of your business.

We encourage an open exchange of ideas on this story's topic, but we ask you to follow our guidelines for respecting community standards. Personal attacks, inappropriate language, and off-topic comments may be removed, and comment privileges revoked, per our Terms of Use. Please see our FAQ if you have questions or concerns about using Facebook to comment.

Read the latest Green Edition

Browse the print edition page by page, including stories and ads.

Sep 19 edition online now. Browse the archives.