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All the quack over the Duck Dynasty anti-gay controversy | Q&A with Mr. Federal Way
Q: Mr. Federal Way, what am I going to do this weekend without the Seahawks playing? Super boring.
A: That’s a great question and one that was actually brought up when Mr. Federal Way was watching Sunday’s first-round-bye-clinching win over the St. Louis Rams as Mr. Federal Way was putting back a few adult beverages.
After celebrating the victory, it truly hit Mr. Federal Way that the first weekend of the NFL playoffs is going to be wide open without a Seahawks game to watch. Although Mr. Federal Way was ecstatic that Seattle won the NFC West, secured a first-round bye and home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, it does mean Mr. Federal Way has to wait until Jan. 11 to watch the beloved Seahawks play again. Boring.
But after putting a little thought into the situation, Mr. Federal Way has come up with the perfect answer to the Seahawks’ hangover this weekend. Mr. Federal Way and the rest of the males around town can put some money in the bank this weekend, so to speak.
All those things around the house that have slipped between the cracks during the Seahawks’ magical 16-game run during the NFL regular season are fair game Saturday and Sunday.
Mr. Federal Way is going to be a working machine this weekend. On Mr. Federal Way’s list are things like replacing lightbulbs, chopping some firewood and patching up some holes in the drywall that occurred during the Seahawks’ loss to Arizona.
This is Mr. Federal Way’s chance to get back on the good side of Mrs. Federal Way, who has put up with Mr. Federal Way’s obsession with the Seahawks all year.
Mr. Federal Way might even take the extreme step of offering Mrs. Federal Way a “girls night out” away from the kids. But that’s still up in the air.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, have you ever done a New Year’s “polar bear plunge?”
A: Hell no. To Mr. Federal Way, that sounds about as much fun as running a marathon. There are plenty of stupid things Mr. Federal Way has done in Mr. Federal Way’s past. A few of them are immortalized on the pages of the Federal Way Mirror for everybody to see.
But there is absolutely nothing that sounds appealing about completing a polar bear plunge for fun. The only plunge Mr. Federal Way would think about completing would be jumping off a SCUBA diving boat into 80-degree water off the coast of Cancun.
Mr. Federal Way would imagine it feels like thousands of tiny needles all over your body when you jump into the near-freezing water. No thanks. And for those of you who say that the polar bear plunge “cleanses your body and gets you ready for an exciting new year,” Mr. Federal Way can accomplish the same thing by turning Mr. Federal Way’s morning shower to cold for a couple seconds.
Q: Mr. Federal Way, what is your opinion on the Duck Dynasty controversy?
A: Mr. Federal Way is currently in shock that Mr. Federal Way is actually going to be writing about Duck Dynasty, but here we go.
Look, Mr. Federal Way obviously agrees that as an American, everyone is entitled to their opinion. But, Mr. Federal Way also agrees that everyone doesn’t have to agree with everyone else’s opinion. That’s what’s great about living in this country.
For those of you who have been living under a rock, Duck Dynasty is a reality show on the A&E Network that follows a family of self-described “rednecks” who have become millionaires because of their duck call business. The Robertson family patriarch, Phil, was recently suspended from the show “over anti-gay remarks” in a GQ Magazine interview. The suspension has become a platform for debates on homosexuality.
Mr. Federal Way will never figure out why there are still people out there who actually get upset about homosexuality. Why do you care so much? How is it affecting you?
There’s no defending what Robertson said. Mr. Federal Way has heard arguments that Robertson just wasn’t very articulate in expressing the Christian view that homosexuality is a sin. But Robertson’s opinions go deeper than that. His views on gays are legitimately hateful.
In the article, Robertson quoted the Bible, saying homosexuality is a sin and comparing it to bestiality. He also said Southern black people in the pre-civil-rights era with whom he hoed cotton “were happy.”
Obviously, the suspension of Robertson ended quick because the other stars of the top-rated cable reality series of all time said they wouldn’t continue to do Duck Dynasty. The show had $80 million in advertising sales for the first nine months of 2013, and merchandise has generated another $400 million in revenue, about half of which is through Walmart.
So, there’s Mr. Federal Way’s take on Duck Dynasty, which is something Mr. Federal Way never thought would come out of the computer.
Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email firstname.lastname@example.org