Raising minimum wage means more McRobots | Q&A with Mr. Federal Way

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com. - Mirror file photo
Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.
— image credit: Mirror file photo

Q: Mr. Federal Way, what is your opinion on raising the minimum wage to $15?

A: Raising the minimum wage is all the rage right now around the Puget Sound after voters in SeaTac agreed to raise theirs last month.

Mr. Federal Way hasn’t really thought a lot about what a $15 minimum wage would mean in Federal Way. But, at first glance, it really seems like it would impact businesses and cost a smaller city, like SeaTac, a lot of money. Especially fast food restaurants.

Burger flippers at places like McDonalds would have their wages nearly doubled with the $15 minimum wage. Currently, Washington has the nation’s highest state minimum wage at $9.19 an hour.

Proponents of the $15 minimum wage, as well as SeaTac voters, say the plan will support the local economy and particularly help thousands of workers who could use the money.

But Mr. Federal Way doesn’t see it that way. Mr. Federal Way thinks the new wage increase will lead to more use of robots at fast food restaurants, essentially eliminating the minimum wage worker.

Think about it, how many McManagers does McDonalds really need? A restaurant could use an ATM kiosk-thingy to take orders inside the restaurant and drive-thru. Robots could also make burgers, McNuggets, fries and pour pop.

The only thing you actually need a “live body” for, would be to possibly clean up the inside and outside of the restaurant. And why wouldn’t you just hire a maid service and a landscaping company from a city that doesn’t have the $15 minimum wage to do that stuff?

Is Mr. Federal Way the only one who thinks that the robots are taking over, man? Pretty soon there’s going to be a robot that can sit behind a computer and write an unfunny and non-thought-provoking question-and-answer column about stuff going on in Federal Way.

Q: I kind of made a spectacle of myself at my company’s holiday party last year. What are some of Mr. Federal Way’s suggestions for rectifying the situation at this year’s party?

A: Great question and one that’s pretty prudent just five days before Christmas. There will be plenty of companies hosting parties.

The best advice Mr. Federal Way can give anybody attending a holiday party is to control your intake. This not only includes controlling your alcoholic intake, but also your food intake.

Being a stumbling drunk who dances on the tables and makes out with a co-worker is obviously the nightmare of any office party. But people also don’t forget the person who went back for thirds and fourths on the prime rib and mashed potatoes.

In terms of alcohol, you need to become accustomed to the term moderation. If you aren’t a professional drinker, like Mr. Federal Way, put yourself on a two-drink limit. Trust Mr. Federal Way, things will work out better for you.

Another big key to surviving the company holiday is to always be a good wing-man or wing-woman. Like Maverick stated in Top Gun, “You never, never leave your wingman.”

Mr. Federal Way has always made that abundantly clear to Mrs. Federal Way before each one of her company parties. Mrs. Federal Way works in the tech industry, meaning Mr. Federal Way really has nothing in common with her workmates.

These tech types really don’t like talking about sports and would rather drink a Chardonnay than a Bud Light.

They think the Seahawks are going for the team’s first World Series title and think Russell Wilson is a mid-level manager in their company and not the All-Pro quarterback in Seattle.

So, be sure to introduce your significant other to your workmates and don’t abandon them at the party. Also, direct conversations to topics that will be interesting to your significant other and keep the “work talk” to a minimum.

In conclusion, have fun, but not too much fun.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, obviously you didn’t win the Mega Millions because you aren’t Mr. San Jose or Mr. Atlanta. What would you have done with $500 million, had you won?

A: If Mr. Federal Way had won the Mega Millions Tuesday night, this column wouldn’t be appearing in the newspaper. If Mr. Federal Way was holding one of those winning tickets, Mr. Federal Way would have retired from work, permanently.

Mr. Federal Way wouldn’t be like some of those weirdos who win millions in the lottery and say, “I love my job. I’m just going to keep working.”

What? Mr. Federal Way could have the best job in the world, something like a beer taster or a professional steak eater and Mr. Federal Way would submit his retirement notice a minute after seeing that winning ticket.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, do you have a Facebook or Twitter account? It would be super awesome to follow you?

A: None of your business.

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com


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