Q&A with Mr. Federal Way: Please run for school board?

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com. - Federal Way Mirror
Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.
— image credit: Federal Way Mirror

Q: Mr. Federal Way, we need you on the Federal Way School Board. Please consider running…soon.

A: Not really a question, but it’s still flattering to Mr. Federal Way’s sizable ego. Mr. Federal Way’s musings last week regarding the district’s grading system have touched a nerve with several people. Mr. Federal Way received responses from parents and even a longtime teacher in the district.

Mr. Federal Way will let you in on a little secret: not one of those responses was in support of what’s going on with the standards-based grading system. They reiterated the fact that Mr. Federal Way is not alone in the lack of understanding of what’s going on these days.

So, in honor of the groundswell of support that Mr. Federal Way has received in the past week, Mr. Federal Way would like to throw the proverbial hat into the ring and launch a write-in candidacy for the Federal Way School Board.

If elected, Mr. Federal Way might even be able to give Mrs. Federal Way that European vacation Mr. Federal Way has always promised, but could never afford. Mr. Federal Way also hears the Great Wall of China is beautiful in the spring.

So, if you haven’t filled out your ballot yet for the Nov. 5 general election, insert Mr. Federal Way’s name. You won’t be disappointed.

Mr. Federal Way also promises that pizza will be served for lunch every day, teachers won’t be allowed to give homework, the New Kids on the Block will perform at graduation, and every student will receive a free Rubik’s cube and Cabbage Patch Kid…

Oh, wait a second. It’s not 1986 anymore?

Mr. Federal Way was just having a flashback to the last time Mr. Federal Way ran for public office. Apologies. The position was sixth-grade homeroom advisor, and Mr. Federal Way lost. The opponent promised ice cream sandwiches for lunch and a joint concert from Michael Jackson and Madonna. You can’t compete with that, right?

But, in all seriousness (Mr. Federal Way makes this statement for all the readers who don’t understand Mr. Federal Way’s sarcasm on the subject), Mr. Federal Way has a ton of respect for all public officials. These are people who felt strong enough about making a change that they did something about it.

Mr. Federal Way doesn’t have that personality trait. Mr. Federal Way just likes writing a third-person column for The Mirror, using an “anonymous” name, sarcastically (most of the time) making fun of things happening in the city.

But there are some things that Mr. Federal Way feels strongly about, and this grading system debacle in the school district is one of them. When school officials need to host several community meetings to explain the usually simple process of giving grades to students, then obviously the process is broken.

According to one of the emails Mr. Federal Way received this week, “it seems like someone decided to see how difficult they could make it for students, parents and teachers to just figure out what grade students are earning and why they are earning it.”

Let’s do something about that, please. It can be fixed.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, what do you think about all the candidates and their buddies standing on all the street corners, waving signs? It’s kind of distracting.

A: Mr. Federal Way agrees that it is a bit of a nuisance when you are driving through one of the busy intersections around the city. How can you not be distracted when you see a dozen people holding a sign in one hand, waving with the other, and smiling super hard while making eye contact with every motorist who drives by?

Mr. Federal Way is a little surprised that there haven’t been more accidents caused by the happy-go-lucky sign wavers.

It’s also a little surprising to Mr. Federal Way that the congregation of sign-waving actually works. But it must. Otherwise, all those candidates wouldn’t stand in the rain, wind and cold, would they?

Mr. Federal Way guesses it’s kind of a commentary on the state of voters today.

Instead of reading the newspaper and the voters pamphlet, or attending a debate between the candidates, there are “some” voters out there who check the box next to the candidate they saw waving a sign at the intersection.

Mr. Federal Way, for one, can’t wait for the Nov. 5 general election to come and go. Those awkward stops at intersections — where you accidentally make eye contact with the sign waver and don’t know if you should wave, smile back or look away quickly — will end.

Also ending: all the political commercials during Mr. Federal Way’s favorite TV shows. Mr. Federal Way will be able to watch re-runs of “Duck Dynasty” without hearing about why or why not to label genetically engineered foods.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, I dressed up as Lt. Dangle from “Reno 911” for Halloween. What did you dress up as?

A: None of your business.


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