Q&A with Mr. Federal Way: School board drama, healthy sperm

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com. - Mirror file photo
Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com.
— image credit: Mirror file photo

Q: Mr. Federal Way, do you think it was a good move by the Federal Way School Board to remove Tony Moore as president?

A: Mr. Federal Way is having a hard time deciding what was the point of Tuesday night’s vote. Seems to Mr. Federal Way that Moore and the school board wrote the screenplay for the meeting before it was held. In other words, it was pretty rehearsed.

Moore is still on the school board and still has the same exact voting power as he had before. He just no longer has the “title” of president before his name, which essentially means nothing, in the grand scheme of things.

Moore is accused of scheming with a tire company employee in Portland, Ore., to steal more than $150,000 in semi-truck tires in 2011. A grand jury indicted Moore on Aug. 23. Moore will go to trial in Oregon, and his next court appearance is Nov. 25.

“I really believe that the most important thing that happens in this district has to do with our kids,” Moore said at Tuesday’s school board meeting. “It’s far more important than any one person. Your kids are the most important thing and the future of our country depends on it.”

Obviously, Moore will have his day in court and it will be decided if he is guilty or innocent. That’s the beauty of the American justice system. Mr. Federal Way is actually hoping it’s just a huge misunderstanding and Moore can get back to his duties on the school board. That would be the best potential outcome for Federal Way schools. Because a guilty verdict in the case would mean the school board will be further dragged through the mud.

But, until that happens, Moore will still have a vote on the school board.

Q: A new study by a researcher at the Harvard School of Public Health has shown that eating bacon and other processed meats can cause men to produce lower amounts of healthy sperm. Thoughts?

A: First thought is why was this study done? Second thought is why was this study done at Harvard and not in some 13th-grade, community college chemistry class?

Mr. Federal Way would much rather have researchers at Harvard — probably the most prestigious higher-education institution in America — working on ways to cure cancer or Alzheimer’s disease, rather than linking a BLT with low sperm count.

The study published by the American Society of Reproductive Medicine concluded that “processed meat intake was associated with lower semen quality” and fish was associated with higher semen quality.

The Harvard researcher also said it’s not clear why such foods might negatively affect sperm quality.

Impressive stuff, Harvard. What’s next? People who eat less and exercise are less likely to have a heart attack?

These same researchers deduced earlier this year that young men who watch more than 20 hours of TV a week had 44 percent less sperm than men who watch little to no TV.

Even more impressive stuff, Harvard. How much did these studies cost, and what’s the point of them? Also, where does Mr. Federal Way send his resume? This Harvard thing sounds like the perfect gig for a middle-aged dude.

Here’s Mr. Federal Way’s conclusion: If you are a young man watching more than 20 hours of TV in a week, it would be nearly impossible for you to have a baby because you are a knob. And knobs don’t ever talk to girls, let alone have the “opportunity” to participate in the act of having a child.

Thank you. Mr. Federal Way will be expecting his research grant any day now.

And, after reading about this stellar research at Harvard, there are now times that Mr. Federal Way wishes Mr. Federal Way ate a lot more bacon and watched a lot more TV during Mr. Federal Way’s younger years.

These short-lived thoughts seem to occur when Mr. Federal Way is running kids back and forth to practices or getting them to do their homework.

Q: I was looking for a Halloween costume for my 12-year-old daughter and was shocked at the selection. Most of the costumes look like they were made for a nightclub in Vegas. When did this start?

A: No clue. Mr. Federal Way came to the same conclusion a couple of years ago when looking for a costume for Mr. Federal Way’s daughter. It’s amazing what passes off as a “costume” these days. What happened to the old-time girl costumes of Cinderella, Raggedy Ann or a basic witch? Nowadays, designers have Raggedy Ann wearing a blue, white and red halter top, mini-skirt and candy-cane tights.

Mr. Federal Way’s suggestion is to go with the tried-and-true costume of cutting two eyes, a nose and a mouth in a white sheet and going as a ghost on Halloween.


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