Q&A with Mr. Federal Way: Traffic, weather and cigarettes

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com - Mirror file
Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com
— image credit: Mirror file

Q: I had the pleasure of sitting in traffic last Saturday, thanks to Wild Waves Theme Park. Why wasn’t anything done to alleviate the traffic?

A: Mr. Federal Way has no idea. Mr. Federal Way was also forced to sit at the stop light at the intersection of Highway 18 and Pacific Highway for numerous light cycles on Sunday. Mr. Federal Way needed to buy some fuchsia baskets at Home Depot and a flank steak at Costco for Mrs. Federal Way.

While sitting in the car in the blistering heat, Mr. Federal Way started to wonder what it takes for a police officer or three to park at an intersection and direct traffic. If ever there was a need for a cop to do such a thing, it was last weekend. The theme park was offering cheap tickets, and Mother Nature was offering 80-degree weather, meaning huge crowds. Who can resist sitting in a swimming pool with thousands of other men, women and children? Mr. Federal Way likes to call it a hot bowl of human soup.

Mr. Federal Way has driven by churches on a Sunday morning and there have been multiple police cars with their lights flashing, directing traffic for a couple dozen vehicles. But you have the busiest intersection in Federal Way - where Highway 18, Highway 161 and Pacific Highway South all come together - and there’s not an officer in sight? There were people running multiple red lights, vehicles blocking traffic in the middle of the intersection and more F-bombs and more “birds” flying out of car windows than an episode of “Monday Night Raw.”

Hopefully, there were some lessons learned last weekend at Wild Waves and the traffic nightmare doesn’t happen again.

Q: Hey Mr. Federal Way, why is it, when I go to the grocery store, there are shopping carts scattered around the parking lot?

A: The simple answer is because there are people out there who are beyond lazy. Ridiculously lazy. This is something that frustrates Mr. Federal Way to no end. How hard is it to unpack your groceries into the trunk or back seat of your car and then wheel your cart over to one of the numerous receptacles located throughout the parking lot? Not hard at all, right?  Instead, people who aren’t lazier than lazy are forced to dodge random shopping carts when they try to park their cars. It’s a joke.

If you can’t walk the extra 20 feet to put your cart away, then you shouldn’t be putting 24-packs of Mountain Dew, Totinos mini pizzas or frozen onion rings in said cart.

Mr. Federal Way has noticed that the same people who leave their carts in the middle of a stall are the same people who drive around the parking lot, waiting for a spot to “open up.” Instead of pulling into an open parking space farther back in the lot, they stop their car directly in the middle of the row, turn on their blinker, and cause everybody behind them to sit and wait. The laziness of some people just blows Mr. Federal Way’s mind.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, how much did the city spend on the 30-plus flags on South 348th Street, just past Winco and the Aquatic Center?

A: Mr. Federal Way doesn’t know if the city even paid for the flags. But it’s money well spent, whoever did. There are actually 50 flagpoles, which represent each state in the union. Each year, the King County Aquatic Center hosts a Flag Day celebration. The flagpoles also provide an aesthetically-pleasing entrance to the Aquatic Center, which has hosted hundreds of local, regional, national and international swim/dive meets since opening in 1990.

Mr. Federal Way is never against making something “look good.” Those flags make the Aquatic Center “look good.”

Q: Mr. Federal Way, can you believe how hot it is outside? It’s too much.

A: Here is something that Mr. Federal Way has noticed about people from the Pacific Northwest — they are never satisfied with the weather. For a population that is tolerant on social issues (same-sex marriage and legalized weed, for example), we are always upset about the weather.

“Oh, it’s raining again? Shocking” or “Man, I hope Costco has air conditioners, it’s like 80 degrees. I’m boiling.”

Heck, even when a beautiful blanket of snow covers the grass in the Puget Sound area, we complain about driving in it.

So, to answer your question, this week’s 80-plus-degree weather is perfect. Enjoy it while it lasts because it will start raining before you know it, and you can complain about that.

Q: I heard that cigarette taxes help fund education in Washington. Since our schools need more money, should people smoke more cigarettes?

A: Mr. Federal Way doesn’t know how to answer that question. It’s true that cigarette tax collections are used to fund the state general fund and the education legacy trust account. But it’s also true that chain-smoking heaters is terrible for your lungs and everybody else around you.

Mr. Federal Way’s suggestion is this: If you want to fund education, make a donation. You’re a fool if you think smoking is cool.


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