Introducing Mr. Federal Way and his all-knowing Q&A

Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com - Mirror file
Got a question for Mr. Federal Way? Email mrfederalway@federalwaymirror.com
— image credit: Mirror file

Q: Mr. Federal Way, doesn’t it seem like there are a lot of graduation ceremonies nowadays?

A: Yes. No longer does mid-June mean that summer is almost here. It now means it’s time to head to the store and load up on greeting cards and flowers. When Mr. Federal Way was young, the only “moving up” ceremonies came when you graduated high school and college.

But, in today’s everybody-who-plays-gets-a-trophy society, there’s basically a school-wide celebration for completing every grade.

In the past few years, Mr. Federal Way has “celebrated” a kindergarten, fifth-grade, eighth-grade, 12th-grade and a college graduation. Oh, and also a pair of pre-school “moving up” ceremonies for the same kid. And, because of peer pressure, Mr. Federal Way has been forced to spend his hard-earned money on gifts for every single one of them.

In Mr. Federal Way’s cynical approach to life, Mr. Federal Way believes this over-graduation-saturation dilemma is a microcosm of what’s wrong with the country. America has been forced to celebrate mediocracy.

Mr. Federal Way is all about celebrating milestones in life. But, by milestone, Mr. Federal Way means something like a wedding, birth or a funeral. Matriculating into the fifth grade doesn’t crack the milestone meter.

Why else would a family celebrate a fifth-grade “graduation” like they had just won the Super Bowl — with hugs, several dozen roses and a necklace made with multiple candy bars?

Is it that big of a deal to “graduate” into middle school? Isn’t going to sixth grade the expected thing for any kid that ever starts kindergarten? Heck, even back in the 1940s, students would make it into high school before joining the Army or going to work in a steel mill.

It’s OK to give kids positive reinforcement every once in a while. But there’s no way that every little accomplishment is worth a “ceremony” or a trophy. This isn’t teaching them life lessons. There are winners and losers in everything you do. No need to dilute achievements by making everybody a winner.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, why do people walk so slow when crossing the street?

A: Mr. Federal Way has no idea and there isn’t anything more frustrating than sitting at a stop light and waiting for an in-shape, 20-something who’s walking in slow motion.

Obviously, Mr. Federal Way would never complain regarding a person legally crossing the street at a designated crosswalk when there is a “walk” signal. That would be stupid. But, Mr. Federal Way will complain when they deliberately walk slow.

Next time you see one of these pedestrians, try saying the following: “Hey buddy, you can see me and the other five cars lined up waiting to turn left? Can you at least acknowledge that fact and hustle a little bit? Not asking you to sprint, but walk faster than a three-toed sloth.”

Q: Mr. Federal Way, what is going on at the intersection of 21st Ave. SW and SW 336th St.?

A: A hot mess. That’s what’s going on over there. My grandpappy always told me that if something’s not broke, don’t fix it. And Mr. Federal Way doesn’t remember that intersection being broke.

According to the city, the project in the area around Fred Meyer, Safeway and Saghalie Middle School is “to increase the capacity and safety of this intersection.”

It’s funny, because Mr. Federal Way doesn’t remember there being a big-time problem before the excavators tore up the road last month, causing huge backups and making Mr. Federal Way find alternative routes at all hours of the day and night.

Work includes widening 336th to build two left-turn lanes eastbound and westbound and a right-turn lane westbound. Workers are also installing another traffic light west of the intersection.

Oh, and work is not anticipated to be done until December. Looks like Mr. Federal Way will continue to avoid all the businesses near the construction zone until 2014. And I’m sure I’m not the only one doing so, which sucks because places like Fred Meyer, Puerto Vallarta and Safeway had become staples in Mr. Federal Way’s routine.

Q: Mr. Federal Way, will you be lighting off fireworks on the Fourth of July?

A: For sure. Mr. Federal Way is an American, and the Fourth of July means eating too much food, drinking too much beer, and igniting a few bottle rockets. Nobody stops you from opening presents on Christmas, nobody stops you from trick-or-treating on Halloween or looking for eggs on Easter, do they? Happy birthday, America!


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