Opinion

Essential advice for women who want better sex | Johnson

Federal Way author Jason Coleman’s recent article offered some simple, educational and upbeat advice for guys who want more sex in their marriages.

My turn.

Women, if your sex life isn’t satisfying, here are some things you can do, alone and with your partner, to create a more fulfilling sex life.

Mr. Coleman quipped, “Romance, for a woman, is a four-letter word: time.” While not true for every woman, many women do want more time, especially those who’ve been married or partnered for years and are juggling careers, children, family activities and relationships.

Here’s my definition of “TIME” for busy women.

• T: Talk about technical differences between many men’s and women’s bodies in terms of sexual arousal. Because women’s arousal starts and lives mostly in our brains, we often need time to turn off the never-ending to-do list in our heads, switch gears, and feel romantic or sexual. In addition, deep-seated hard-wiring to protect our young makes it important for moms, especially, to feel that the person with whom we’re about to be vulnerable actually cares about us. This might seem a given in a marriage, but on a day-to-day basis, it’s easy to get caught up in carpool and Cub Scouts, and forget to show your partner how much you care. One tool to help with this is “The Five Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman. His website (www.5lovelanguages.com) can help you get a quick start to see which language you and your partner speak most fluently. Knowing this can help you tailor your efforts into things they will really appreciate.

• I: Intimacy is the emotional side of love and sexuality, and includes trust, caring, sharing, being vulnerable and taking risks together. Women tend to want to feel intimacy with a partner before we have sex. Men tend to have sex and then feel intimate from that experience. In your relationship, this means some give and take. However, taking time and building intimacy is an important thing you can do to have a lasting and meaningful relationship. Let your partner know you want some time to feel intimate, and what that means to you.

• M: Make time. Women, especially, need to make time for themselves. This means different things to different people.  Some may enjoy a book club (reading optional) or Bunco night.  Others may want an undisturbed nap. Either way, when you schedule time to care for yourself in a nurturing way that fills up your tank, you will have more to give to your relationship.

It’s also important to make time for your relationship. Whether you take a walk together, see a movie or go out to breakfast on a weekend, make sure to schedule some weekly time just for the two of you. If you have children, make an agreement that you can only talk about kid stuff for 15 minutes of your time together.  Rediscover the non-parent parts of yourselves.

• E: Embrace your inner sex goddess. Have fun. Try a new fragrance, or some new lingerie. Get a book with ideas on how to spice up your sex life. Go to a "passion party" or to a “toy store” on a date night to see what catches your eye. It’s important that intimacy is part of your relationship when you do this, so you can communicate clearly what you do and don’t want to do — where you are willing to take a risk, and where you don’t want to go. Pay attention to your sexiness. The sexier you feel, the more attractive your partner will find you, and the more satisfying your sex life will be.

Remember, practice makes excellent, not perfect. Don’t get discouraged if one thing you try doesn’t immediately turn things around. Also, if you are an abuse survivor, or things don’t seem to be working after many attempts, get some professional help.  Take “TIME” for yourself and your relationship and make an investment in your love life.

Aren’t you worth it?

 

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